Category: hmph

Dabangg Mirchi

RULES OF THE LAND:

1. If something is done a certain way, it has to be done the exact same way every single time. Any form of diversion, big or small, is not allowed.

2. If I like something, I grab it. Anyone, kid or adult, hurt in the process is irrelevant. Hair clips can be pulled out of the hair of random kids in the park, toys can be pulled out of everyone’s hand at home and outside.

3. Anything I can lay my hands on is a play thing. If you don’t want it to be used as a plaything keep it out of sight and height.

4. Any slight hurt/bump/nick/fall is a huge deal. You better dance to my tunes till I am satisfied with the attention I get and move on to other things before you can move on to other things.

5. When I call, you better show your face pronto. Else get ready to be called at increasing decibels every other second.

6. When I say ‘Poo’ no matter time of day or night come and take me to the pot and sit with me as long as feel like hanging out there. That I already went in my diaper holds no meaning.

7. When at a park, don’t dare say “let’s go back”. You can try and force me to, but you will have to catch me first for that and carry me kicking and screaming and then there is always the strapping me in the car seat bit which is impossible when I am wiggling and jumping. Save your energy and just let me play.

8. Milk is your best friend, the only way you can calm me down so keep it handy at all times.

9. Sharing is not in my dictionary, give up already and live in peace.

10. I wear the pants in the family, or am trying my best to wear them on my own. That I put both my legs in the same side is no laughing matter. I am serious about this and ‘NO’, you cannot help.

11. I win every fight, Didi notwithstanding.

Signed,
-Dabangg Mirchi
(Background Music: hudd hudd mirchi)

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Stubbornness – Thy name is Bugz

Dear Bugz,

You used to be on all fours as you climbed up stairs; now you copy us, with only your hand on the wall for extra support. You used to be happy opening your mouth as we fed you; now you want your own bowl and spoon, else you refuse to open your mouth. You used to cry and walk circles around me till I gave you whatever it was you wanted from a drawer; now you push a chair, climb up and take out what you wish.

To me, all these changes have been seamless. If anyone were to ask me when you stopped doing this or started doing that, my answer would be yesterday. You are changing so much, so quickly that I don’t even realize when you leave something behind and start on something new. May be it is a simple fact of split focus between Didi and you, or that there is just so much going on that a lot of these things don’t register, or that you are so focused on doing all things your Didi does that you are indeed picking new things faster than I can keep track of. The only thing that keeps re-iterating itself is your stubbornness.

I catch you multiple times halfway through your fall from the dinning chair and sometimes I don’t even get there on time and yet after the required tears is done, you are standing on the same chair and smiling. You pull the chair and bring it to the slab as I cook. No matter how many times I move that chair away, because I am scared that you will burn yourself, you pull it right back and stand on it next to me. The only thing I can do is ensure that you are on the other side of the gas and I stand between the gas and you. As I make Rotis, no matter how many times I say no, you want to make holes in the dough. I see your fingers coming for the dough, I say no, you move your hands back, I turn my head to roll the roti and there your fingers are again. We go through this over and over again till I am done. I almost marvel over the fact that the rotis actually get made (albeit a bit charred).

If something has been done a certain way once, it has to be done that way – every single time. There is no rest for anyone in the house otherwise. You have to stand just so before you eat. You have to have a jacket on before we step out of the house. You have to wear only that pair of shoes. You have to have your stroller straps just this way. You have to brush your teeth (chew on the toothbrush) when Didi brushes her teeth and no one dare touch it or try to help you. You have to have your blanket draped all the way up to your shoulder before you even pretend to sleep. You have to hold my hand as you sleep and I can’t move it (irrespective of my aching shoulder) till you are in deep sleep. Any change in schedule and things are thrown around in a fit of frustration, after which you are seen head on the floor, crying as if your heart is breaking.

On the other hand, no one can make you do anything you don’t want to do. You are very swift in moving your head in the negative motion and saying, ‘unh’. ‘Bugz clean up’, ‘Bugz get down from there’, ‘Bugz give it back to Didi’, ‘Bugz where is your nose’ – all have the exact same reaction. You don’t want to do it and you won’t. You don’t talk much. Sorry an exaggeration! You don’t talk at all, pointing gets you everything. ‘Buzz what does sheep/dog/cat/cow say’. No response! Then you see a dog, point to it and say ‘Bhaao Bhaao’. Or sit in the corner with your animal sound toy, play every sound and try to imitate it, as you laugh gleefully. Suddenly Cow does not go Moo, rather goes Aaawww. Horse does not go Neigh, rather goes Eeeehhhhh. Lion does not go Roar, rather goes Oooooo. Real recorded sounds in a child’s toy vs. animal sounds as we say them out. And there is no use telling it to you. ‘Buzz say Mama/Papa’ and you refuse point blank as your parents get disheartened. Then randomly, when you really want something, you come up to me and very sweetly say, ‘Maamaamaaammaaa’.

As your Didi has her bath in the evening, you scream and shout to get out of your clothes. I refuse and stand strong. You throw a fit and I don’t budge. You run up to the tub and I pick you up and bring you back. You give up and start playing around the bathroom after a while. Then on random days, the one second I take my eyes off you, I hear your Didi scream, ‘Mumma, Bugz!’. And there you are, sitting in the bath tub besides your Didi, clothes and all, smiling your big smile at me, having slid in on your stomach.

My stubborn, stubborn little thing, I have said this before and I will say this again – I foresee many a locked horn fights between us – but for now we are testing each other’s boundaries. And for now you make up for it all with your smiles, belly laughs, the way you nestle up in my lap and hold on tight. I love you sweetheart and I am sure we will get through all our difference. Till the time for our next disagreement – you keep growing, keep learning, keep figuring things out.

Stay healthy, stay happy, stay you!

Love,
-Maa

Technology, please help!

What I currently do as I cook, clean, give the kids a bath, put them to sleep is scream ‘No’ in various degree of urgency. No matter what I am doing, I am constantly tuned in to sounds around the house and turning to look where both the kids are. Slightly charred Rotis are a small price to pay when it comes to keeping them away from being hurt and the endless drama that follows.

What I need is a device that watches the kids like a hawk in every corner of the house, figure out that they are doing something they are not supposed to and call out in my voice, ‘No *insert kid’s name here’. It would also be nice if it could figure out what decibel the said no should be sounded in to make the most impact.

What I did yesterday, because I had to reply to a very important email, was keep saying ‘No’ every now and then and sometimes add a kids name randomly.  Worked out well for a bit till, luck of draw or call it whatever, I happen to call out, ‘No Buzz’, in bit of a shriek. Footsteps running, she came to a halt next to me and asked,

What did I do this time Mumma?
err..nothing baby! Mumma got scared that you were hurt.
Don’t scream at me for no reason, Mumma or I will tell Papa when he comes home!

Sigh!!!

What I think I should do for now is record one word, ‘No’, followed it with a pause of 3 or so seconds  and play it in a loop endlessly (past experience teaches me that adding a kids name can land me in more trouble so skip that) , till the time technology catches on with my needs.

Where is ‘an app for that’ when you really need it?

Packing for a trip – Tips

As learned after looking at pictures from the recent trip:

When visiting a cold place, worry only about outerwear and take at least a few different variety of – scarfs, coats, hats, gloves. Does not matter if you have to wash and wear the same T-shirt every single day because it WILL NEVER BE SEEN. And if you are dumb like me and take only one coat and scarf along because you fill the suitcase with random things like diapers, multiple change of clothes for the kids, food for the kids, various medicines (just in case) then don’t pout when all your pictures come out looking the same. What else do you expect with same coat and scarf.

hmph!

Year End

There is cheer everywhere. People are celebrating. Everyone has a smile on their face. I as usual stand on the other end of the spectrum.

The ever so organized me (NOT!) pushes out the non-important things like err..eye appointments, dental checkups, yearly doctor visits to when I will have some time and then come December the clock starts ticking. There is mad dash to get all the various appointments before the benefits for the year expire, schedules are checked and rechecked to shuffle all the various visits. Add to the mix are the kids’ pick up and drop offs for their various doctors’ visits and work that does not stop.

End result is a crazy, cranky, stressed out me.

We almost always add last minute unplanned vacation to the already crazy timeline, which ends up needing figuring out airplane tickets, accommodations, car rentals, packing.. argh

Between D and I, we  dropped Buzz off to school, attended work for half a day, went to my doctor, dropped eye glasses prescription, went to D’s doctor, went shoe shopping (yes yes all me :D), searched for and booked airline tickets, planned the trip and booked various hotel rooms, booked rental car, picked Buzz up, shopped for gifts for a friend’s kids, visited the said friend’s house and spend a couple of hours there, clean the house (yes that is also all me. Stupid idiot that I am, needs the house clean before I go on a trip), pack up for the trip. All in one day!

Is it any wonder that I am not fond of end of the year? And not fond is putting it mildly.

But finally all the i’s have been dotted and t’s have been crossed. Vacation, here I come. Year end, I am ready to enjoy everything you can throw my way. Life, I am ready to unwind for a bit.

Hope you guys have a great last few days of 2012 now that the world has not ended. See you all on the other side of 2013.

Seeing is believing

Aaj C ke papa aaye thy Mystery Reader ban ke. Aap to kabhi nahien aate. (C’s dad came today as Mystery Reader. You never come.)

She told me sometime last week. This Monday she got in to the car,

Aaj party thi. Kuch friends ke parents fruits le ke aaye thy. Aap to kuch nahien laate. (We had a party today. Parents of some of my friends got fruits for the party. You never get anything.)

Buzz’s class has various small events every now and then that the parents volunteer for. There are different things to bring like food, decoration, games etc. Then there are activities where you give your time like reading to them, helping them during nature walks, decorating the classroom for various festivals. Given that D and I work on tight schedules between dropping and picking Buzz off and getting home on time for Bugz, taking time off from work frequently to be part of the activities in person gets very difficult for us. Hence we mostly sign up for things to bring, hand offs of which happens without Buzz being aware. For activities that do require giving our time, we pick those that we can work on off hour rather than during work hours. Like there were sign-up sheets for various activities, most of which required about 6 hours of parents time during the academic year. I signed up for the only activity that requires 20 hours of parents time because most of that task required working off regular hours.

Buzz of course does not understand any of this. For her it is a simple matter of someone or the other’s parent comes to read to them every week but neither D nor I do. Some of her friends’ parents come with fresh fruit plates minutes before the party but her parents don’t.

Today was a Halloween Party at her school where the kids were to go Trick or Treating to the close by businesses. Parents were asked to volunteer to help out with taking the kids. The idea was to have at least a ratio of 1:2 (parent:child). I saw the sign-up sheet get filled every day and soon came to realize that we would have a teary Buzz on our hands if one of us did not go with her when most of her friends’ parents would be going along.

I juggled a couple of meeting and promised to make up for work later in the night. As I was getting her dressed I told her how I would go to school with her and spend some time there with her. A super excited Buzz walked in to her class, got busy showing off her costume and admiring everyone else’s costume, forgetting all about me. While she was busy with her friends, I found a quiet corner in her class, sat down and got busy with my work emails in the 15 or so minutes I had till the party started. Buzz came running to me suddenly, sat in my lap and refused to get up. As she turned her face to me, I saw tears in her eyes.

Mujhe laga aap chale gaye. (I thought you had left)

she said. I reassured her, I was not going anywhere, and hugged her. She sat in my lap till it was time to go.

Every now and then, as we walked to the various places, picked up candy, said our ‘thank yous’, showed off her costume, she looked at one of her friend who was holding my other hand, tugged my hand  and said,

Aap mere saath aaye ho? (You came with me?)

Smile never left her face the entire hour long walk. Simple joys of a child. Checks and balances of life.

Landmines

They are everywhere. Show up unexpectedly. Never sure how much damage they will cause. Caution is futile. Resistance useless.

– I turn the corner in a hurry and stumble on one.

– Sleep muddled I get off from the bed in response to a cry for ‘Mumma’ and nearly fall to my knees.

– I get ready to take a shower, take a quick peek to ensure it is a safe zone, turn around to get some things in place and in less than a minute step in to take a shower and my feet lands on one.

– A quick run downstairs at night to get water from the kitchen and suddenly lights start to blink and gleeful noise screams ‘Hi this is the lion calling. Call me’.

They come in all shapes – square, star, circle, animal, phone, books

They come in all materials – wood, plastic, rubber, foam

They come in all sizes – x-small, small, medium, large, x-large

They come in all colors – pink, green, blue, yellow, orange, purple

They come in all decibels levels – mute, squeak, normal, loud, eardrum shattering

But most importantly they come to bodily harm you, make you fall on your knees, give your heart a start, make you hobble, drive you out of your mind.

And no, no matter what you do and how many times you clean up and how careful you are and how many times you check and double check, somehow someway they find a way to the wrong place at the wrong time, all thanks to a little hurricane and her ability to hide them in places unknown to mere parents.

These landmines or toys as the marketing people love to call them are pure evil and I hate them.

Oh and to the person who gave her the wooden blocks and 28 of them at that: Why? What wrong did we ever do to you? Do you know how many stubbed toes and hurt nails and almost falls I have owing to those menacing little things? 😐