Month: July 2012

Dear July

You were always one of my most fav. month of the year. I used to count days till the calendar change happened and along with it came Maa Paa’s wedding anniversary. Cards were made and handed over. Movie and dinner date planned out with the family. A wonderful day right at the beginning of the month. I loved you so very much.

I have such fond memories of you but things have changed so drastically now. My feelings for you have changed so drastically now. I have dreaded your arrival like no other. Every single day has been painful to live past. I have smiled my smile and gone about my days like nothing is different, but you know it and I know it that things will never be the same. I break down on the inside every minute of the day as I re-live everything that happened this time last year. I feel helpless, I feel lost, I want to break down and cry and yet I put on my normal mask for the world to see.

The clock keeps ticking, the days keep going by and I get stuck on certain dates. Dates that I used to look forward to. Dates I would count down to. Dates that made me happy. Now I look at them and wonder what to do with them. Do I pick up the phone and call Paa? What do I tell him? Do I wish him? Do I ask him, how he is holding on? Do I cry as I talk? Do I act normal? Do I…?

My heart is heavy, my eyes brimming with tears, my words stuck, refusing to be voiced. I stand alone, without the protection of love I took for granted. Lost, without the hand that always guided me. Broken, without the care that was mine. So today, July, this is my outlet. I write it down here breaking all my rules.

Happy 56th Birthday, Maa.

The thing about Bugz.. that she goes from 0 to 100 in less than a heartbeat. There are no stops, halts, breaks in between.

At the tail end of our various day long road trips D and I often get in to a conversation on how we should find a place to stop so as to give Bugz a break. As we go on a look out for a place to take a break, we keep telling ourselves that since Bugz is not making any noise we still have some time to look for that perfect spot. It all, of course, ends with Bugz screaming blue murder without giving us any prior notice in the form of baby talk or a whimper or any other sound effects. It is drama full on.

Every evening Bugz is seen happily shuffling from one thing to another. There are drawers to be opened, toys and books to be scattered all around, block building build by Didi to be broken down. After which she comes to me, sits in my lap and plays around (chews on) whatever she can find. Taking it as a sign of a happy (not cranky) baby, I commit the grave mistake of trying to finish one last errand (changing her diaper) before I take her upstairs for her sleep time. The happy, laughing, smiling baby goes away in a flash and in its place is a crying, screaming, kicking one, who rubs her eyes non-stop and wiggles all over the place to the extent that it takes all my might to get the diaper on her little butt.

This evening I came home to Bugz’s nanny, who just could not stop smiling. She had something to show, she said, after which she handed me her phone. What I was looking at was a video of Bugz walking. I had a mouth meet floor moment. MY BUGZ! who refuses to even stand without support and promptly sits down, unless she is lost in whatever spoon she is chewing on and forgets that she is standing, is now walking? What? Really? I mean she had taken all of one wobbly step this past weekend. This had to be some trick photography (err whatever is the related term for video?).

I looked at Bugz. She was sitting with a smile on her face not bothered at all. Once the nanny left, we got down to the task of the day – ‘See Bugz walk’. Try one, two, three..eight all ended up the exact same way. Bugz true to form refused to even stand up without support. Trick videography it was, I was convinced. She was still standing, holding on to me when we heard D and Buzz enter the house. Bugz looked around in excitement, her eyes shining as she spied her Didi walking up the stairs, let go of my T-shirt, took one step, two step, three step, four step, five step to get to the gate. Me? I was in total shock, I must say. As D laughed with joy, Buzz screamed in excitement, ‘Bugz badi ho gayi’.

Yup, Bugz is all grown up. She who gave no indication of even being close to taking her first independent step, let go and is seen walking around the house since then. Bugz, who I kept saying, likes to takes things nice and easy and was in no hurry to walk is at the same walking milestone Buzz was when Buzz was this age and this is when Buzz started taking her first independent step long before. So yeah, true to form Bugz went straight for 100, who cares about step 0-99 after all.

Now that she has, here I am sitting in my little corner and sulking a little because my baby is growing up way too fast for my comfort.

If we were Scottish

we might have been named:

Bugz, the fearless – because no mountain (staircase) is high enough. It can be scaled without any hesitation. And if Maa runs behind us, even better (she can use some exercise you see). We turn around, see her coming, give a big smile and start climbing even faster.

Bugz, the explorer – because no valley (bed, crib, couch) is low enough. All these places are meant to be crawled under. In fact the lower they are the better because then no one can get in to get us out. Plus Maa needs to pay the price of sometime giving up on cleaning those obscure corners, right? And what better joy can there be than to see her freak out as we find something in the dark to chew on?

Bugz, the three note: because who needs more of them when everything can be expressed in the said three notes. Ha Ha, means we are happy. Ainh, means I am talking so you better pay attention. Aaaaiiiinnnnn, means you are done for. Why did you not listen when I was talking, all nice and proper.

Bugz, the destroyer: because Buzz didi makes these block structures for us and we can’t disappoint her, now can we? No sir! We crawl to them at full speed, the minute we see them. Which is followed by ‘and Jill came tumbling after’. Oops sorry! ‘Blocks came tumbling after’. Didi getting upset does not figure in our equation of having fun.

Bugz, the metallic: because Maa is the magnet of course! Out of sight is out of mind, but within range and we can’t help but be pulled towards her. She needs to be holding us at all times and dare she make us sit down. We scream blue murder, fling ourselves on the floor (Maa here says, ‘ALREADY!’) on our back mind it and start spinning backwards in a circle.

Bugz, the possessive: because Maa is ours, first and foremost. Didi sitting in Maa’s lap is not done. We stand up holding on to Maa and get to hair pulling and pushing. Oh and the minute Maa’s lap is empty, we are there sitting happily before anyone can blink an eye.

Bugz, the little sister: because our biggest smile is reserved for Didi. We follow her around, we smile at her, we (try and) play with her..err snatch toys from her hand. She is the one to look up to and imitate. She makes us laugh, oh how she makes us laugh. And then she says ‘MY BABY’ and everyone melts.