Balancing Equations

The basic unit of matter ‘atom’ needs to be balanced. If it is not so it either..donates..shares..or borrows excited electrons to get to a balanced molecular state. The balanced state being the state of harmony, where peace reigns, where everything is good in the world. Till there is no balance, the atom is searching..searching..searching..

Well similar is the case with us humans. We keep searching, are constantly on the lookout, till we find that special someone to share our lives with. Once we are reasonably certain about the person the molecule gets to a stable state.

But the game does not end there. The swapping of vows happens and then suddenly there are a few extra chemicals of accounts, budgeting, investment, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, in-laws are thrown in to the mix. Suddenly the two of you are scrambling to balance this chemical equation. With chores..divided, time to do them..decided, repercussions of not doing them because you were lazing in front of the TV or snuggled with a book..faced, while also trying to find time to..be a couple.

D and I had this part down..worked hard on getting this part down. We were balanced when we decided we needed some more excitement..scrambling.. in our lives. So what did we do?? We had little Buzzu.. Now our little..ever growing..equation is all over the place. With two very hectic jobs, the want to spend as much time with Buzz, chores are being left on the back burner of life. And this is when my parents are around helping us out. Life is so going to be fun..not..when they head back home. But again that will be the time when we can truly start working on balancing our chemical equation we call family, because that is when some elements will be taken away from our current equation and a lot more added.

Am I dreading that time??..sure I am..but in a way looking forward to it as well because that is the state we have to live in..so that is the balance we need to find.. But do you hear me complain till then??..no way..I am enjoying every minute of the respite I receive.

Here’s hoping we find our balance soon after my parents leave. Fingers crossed.

When you are happy..

and you know it..clap your hands..

I am clapping..clapping..clapping my hands..

The holiday season is here..Long weekend this week so I get stay home for 4 long days and spend time with Buzzu..

My SIL and sweet little niece are heading over for rest of the year. Niece dear is excited about spending time with her Dada, Dadi, Bua, Fu and Buzz. Actually mostly with Buzz because the last time these two met, Buzzu was 10 weeks old so my niece was not allowed close access to Buzz. This time she is making sure and then doubly sure that she can play..touch..sleep with Buzz Bee. And I can’t wait to hold her, play with her, tell her stories. She owns a piece of my heart..what with her being the first child in the family. And to have her spending time with us for the next month a little bit more is going to be a pleasure.

And then in 3 weeks my brother comes over..oh to have family around..what fun..

If you’re happy and you know it..then your face will surely show it
If you’re happy and you know it..clap your hand.

Judging and being judged

We as humans are constantly judging others in one shape or form. But never is the judgment as vocal as when it comes to raising a child. Suddenly everyone has an opinion and nothing you do is the right thing to do. Being a new parent is difficult as is but to be constantly bombarded with suggestions, comments and big eyed ‘you really did that’ expressions gets too much to take.

So here are the suggestions I have heard till date (at least the ones I remember):

• Bath – ‘You should bathe the baby first thing in the morning. It refreshes the baby.’/’ Bath time should be just before bed time. This way baby sleeps more peacefully.’
• Massage – ‘You should massage your baby for at least a year. Simulates blood circulation, which results in stronger bones.’/’Massage is a waste of time. Does not help and takes too much effort.’
• Nursing – ‘Breastfeeding the baby for minimum a year is really beneficial for the baby. It strengthens their immune system and they fall sick less often.’/’Breastfeeding is a big propaganda done by some organization. Formula is just as beneficial with the added benefit of you not being tied down to the baby all times.’
• Feeding – ‘Feed carb rich food to the baby early in the day so that she has had time to digest them by the time she goes to bed.’/’Carb rich food take longer to digest and hence if feed just before going to bed baby sleeps longer stretch.’
• Toys – ‘Buy a lot of different kind/color of toys for the baby. This simulates the baby and expands their mental capacity.’/’Baby’s who play with toys, are not curious about their surroundings so don’t waste your money of them. Let the baby play by herself. This way she will explore her environment, thus expanding her mental capacity’.
• Cuddle – ‘Baby’s loves to be cuddled and held. This makes them feel secure, which results in happy, non fussy babies.’/’Cuddle baby too much and they get used to it. You will not get a moment of peace then. They will always want to be held and when they are not they will become super cranky.’
• Daycare – ‘Sending your baby to daycare is a recipe for disaster. They become insecure, rowdy and bullies.’/’Baby’s who go to daycare are well-adjusted, follow a schedule, disciplined, play well with other kids and know how to share toys, books etc.’

All of this in simple terms means that there are pro and cons to everything and me as a parent has to come up with a plan on what works for my baby and me. And sometimes if neither of the two extremes works, I take the middle ground. To be honest the suggestions I still take positively and listen to patiently, as they seem to be well-meaning, without malice. It’s the absolute conviction that their way is the only way to go and if you are not following that you are a bad parent, the judgment in their voice and eyes, that get’s me hoping mad. What worked for you may not work for me.  I will ask for advice when I need to, but till then I need to do what I think is right for my baby. If I make mistakes they are mine to make and mine to learn from.

So please..please hold your judgments to yourself, because if not, you are letting yourselves open to being judged by me and I really don’t want to expend my time and energy on that when I have a shortage of both at the moment.

Visual love – Fall

Now that the trees are bare..look at the pile on the ground..to the leaves brown.

Remember their riot of color..the green not so much.. as red, and gold, and orange, and yellow.

Just a few weeks back..the trees were covered..leaves dancing, rustling, fluttering.

No more.. no more..just the images remain..so why the wait..come see..

There is no season such delight can bring,
As summer, autumn, winter and the spring.
– William Browne, Variety, 1630

The not so nice..

You hear everyone talk about the upside..the joy..the love of having a baby..and they are all true. But unknown to people without kids and unspoken by the ones that do..there is phase which is not so nice..called postpartum depression..every woman I know and have spoken to who has had babies, has gone through some form of PD (or milder form called Baby Blues)..but no one (at least in the Indian women) is ready to openly talk about it or even completely acknowledge that they went through the blues. Is it because our society does not think mental trauma is a form of sickness that needs to be talked about and treated..is it because we think on acknowledging depression we leave ourselves open to being called Paagal..or is it the dread of being called a bad parent in general and a bad mother specifically if we come out in the open and say we have the baby blues. I don’t know..I truly don’t.

I had of course heard of PD (what with the huge Brooke Shield, Tom Cruise controversy) but like an idiot never thought I would have one. Well I was wrong..really wrong. I could not handle the hormones raging through my body after Buzz was born. I did not even have a clue on how to handle them. I don’t know what people are talking about when they talk about PMS or when they say hormonal during pregnancy. I, to the best of my knowledge, don’t go through PMS and was not hormonal at all during my pregnancy. So suddenly after the hormone levels progressively increasing in my body for 9 months, the baby was out, and I was left with these elevated levels.

Thinking back, I think I went crazy for a while. Would cry at any odd thing..the neighbors baby crying would have me in tears..violence of TV would have me crying buckets..D getting back home late from work would find me holding sleeping Buzz and shaking with tears. I think staying alone for most part of the day (my parents had left when Buzz was a month old and D was at work), not meeting anyone, not talking to anyone had something to do with it. I knew all I needed to do was pick up the phone and could talk to my SIL or any of my friends, but I just could not seem to muster the energy or the inclination to do that. And it is such a vicious cycle. One feeding on the other. Another thing that factored in was the overwhelming feeling of responsibility..being responsible for such a tiny human being..and especially one you are head over heels in love with. The weight was too much on my emotionally unstable shoulders.

D, poor guy, was at a loss..anything and everything he did was taken incorrectly by me..or rather the emotional me..the rational me knew it was my issue, he was doing nothing wrong..but did that stop me from being a total wack??..Oh no..

I finally went and spoke to Dr. T about it. She listened and then asked questions: – Do I love Buzzu..Yes, Yes. – Do I get enough sleep..Yes, not in one continuous stretch, but I do sleep a lot. – Do you get upset when you have to get up every two hours to feed her..No, don’t mind that at all. – Do you do a lot of other household work..Hmm, no, I just do what I can or feel like, D takes care of the rest. – Do you have suicidal thoughts..No, never.

The verdict: Mild form of Baby Blues, not even classified as PD. Give it time..a few months..and things will start to get better.

Well if this was mild, I truly don’t want to know what moderate or severe form of PD is like. And I am glad that I am back to being me..comfortable in my own skin..comfortably nam.

Leaving with one of my favorite song when I have the blues, Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd

 

Mera chaen waen..

sab ujjada..

So what is the India athletes are not much of a presence in the international sports arena..Indian music is making its presence felt..Watch and enjoy..

PS: Can’t wait for the winter Olympics to start early next year. Whistler is my absolutely favourite ski town. Wish I could be there to watch the Olympics. But I will be keeping my eyes peeled on the slopes and landmark and trust me I will be screaming ever so often..been there..done that slope..(OK so me not so much as the done part..I am happy with my blue slopes..D will be the one with done that part)..Can’t wait..can’t wait..

Name I call you by..

Dear Buzz Bee,

There is so much I want to tell you..well about you..but you are too little to remember..and I am not sure you would want to hear once you grow old..or I will remember as age gets to me..so I write to you now with the hope that you will get here in time, to read for yourself.

When I first started feeling you move inside me, there was no measuring my excitement. Your poor Paa felt so left out. For the longest while, no matter how many times I held his hand on my stomach he did not feel the kicks. Those were the days when I gave you your first name..Phudku Singh..Why you ask??..because you did move a lot and never in one place..you were all over in the little confined space you called home. You absolutely hated anyone or anything touching you. You would move away from the place you were kicking if D or me put our hand on that location,  to kick someplace else. It was like a mini treasure hunt to find your heartbeat during doctor’s appointments. They would find your beat and within seconds you would move away, because again you hated anything that close to you. The first time D did feel you move, he broke into this huge grin and refuse to remove his hand off my stomach. By then there wasn’t any space for you to move away..so what did you do??..you stopped moving and went to sleep. Not very nice to you Paa were you?? 🙂 But to be honest..it was a small joy to me..you were mine for those 40 weeks 2 days that I carried you..all mine till everyone claimed parts of your time..called you their something..

It’s amazing how similar you are from the time when you were inside me to now when you are out exploring the world..you are never still..always moving..till the time you fall asleep..you hate to be held while awake..you want to be moving..batting your hand..kicking your legs. There are huge smiles with the a dimple on each cheek for everyone..the mad dash to anyone you know to be picked up now that you can crawl..but once the hug is done..you move and wiggle till you are let down to play with the next thing and the thing after that. Something or the other keeps catching your fancy and off you buzz to explore.

That’s why my love..I call you a Buzz Bee..

PS: If you are under any doubt..you are the Queen Bee and we, your Dad, Mom, Nana, Nani are all worker bee’s catering you your every whim.

PSS: I should also add..you are very fair in your Rule..doolling out smiles, hugs, kisses (well smiles are yours, the rest we take) freely and endlessly.

Loads of love,

-Maa

First few days – Impressions

Random impressions..surprises..flashes of the day ‘Buzz Bee’ came into our lives and a couple of days that followed..our stay in the hospital:

• Me being so tired as not to be able to keep my eyes open between each push. I slept for a minute or so every time before pushing again and then promptly closing my eyes.
• D eating throughout the day. He tends to eat if stressed. At one point a nurse commented, saying ‘You are eating every time I come in.’
• Me clutching my stomach in horror the first time I got up after delivering, panicked at not having the baby within, before it came back that she was now born.
• D having blue toe nails from the pressure his uber-cool shoes put on his toes from being on his foot all day.
• The feel of Buzzu in my arms.
•  Me being surprised at seeing her eyes opened when she was born. I though kids kept their eyes closed for most part in the beginning.
• Total devoid of energy feeling after I delivered while being active till the very last day.
• The joy on my parents face when they say Buzz.
• The taste of ‘Besan ke ladoo’ that Maa made that day. 
• The surprise/shock family and friends back home felt on realizing how old-fashioned a name Buzz had.
• Seeing her sleep in her glass bassinette for most part of the day when we were not holding on to her i.e.
• Buzz crying the second night.
• The sight of D holding Buzzu close all night to keep her from crying and she not crying when held close by her Paa.
• Me trying to find a comfortable position/angel on the hospital bed with all its parts that can go up and down but not a single marginally good position.
• Endless tests done on Buzz Bee..eye test..hearing test..allergies test..jaundice test..weight measured over and over..temperature taken every 3 hours.
• The overload of medication I was on after being particular about not ingesting any medicine while I was pregnant.
• Buzz having this really red tongue which she kept showing us every time she was awake.
• Deluge of good wishes..constant ringing of the cell phones.
• My maternity jeans suddenly refusing to stay in place.
• Getting her ready to head back home. How incapable we felt on dressing her for the ride home..she being so delicate..so tiney..
• Buzz not liking her first time strapped inside the car seat..cry in her tiny voice..but immediately falling asleep once the car started.

The Big Day

Started working from home the day before my due date..not because I could not go to work..more because people got sick of seeing me..and I got sick of them asking me ‘You still here’. Work was also dwindling down. I had almost completed all my assignments and was not getting any new work assigned to me. There was this one small task left (was super boring if you ask me..that’s why I had left it hanging till the very end), which I worked on when I felt like. The rest of the time I spent replying to emails, tying up loose ends before my 24 weeks maternity leave, with long break talking to my parents. The day after my due date, a Monday, I was done with this task as well, the only thing left was to document what I had done.

I was not very comfortable..was getting practice contractions all day (the non-painful kind) so went for a real long walk with Maa..put my feet up and watched TV..surfed the web..read some of my favorite blogs..in general spend time doing nothing. By 5:00 I was so frustrated that I vowed to head to work the next day. At the very least I would meet people, talk to them, feel a little productive. D came home from work, took one look at my face and suggested we head out to this Indian place for dinner that I love (they have awesome Makki ki roti with Sarsooin ka saag) but D does not like (the portion size is too small and the place is pricey). Maa Paa were not too keen on eating out so D and I decided to head out. Now D’s office is a 10 mins walk from our place and he generally walks to work and I take the car, but that day he was rushed in the morning to get to a meeting and since I was working from home he took the car. But true to form he walked back. This he realized as soon as we got to the parking lot. He being in ‘don’t trouble Wifey’ mode, plus he having messed up asked me to go back inside, he would get the car and we would head out in 15 mins. And I was all..I don’t want to be cooped inside any more..I want to be out..I can walk..let’s walk to your office. So the trip that would take him 10 mins took us 20, all owing to my snail paced waddle. I had a real good meal after that, where D held his tough in check..did not complain even once which is totally unusual for him at that restaurant 🙂

Once back from the meal D got back to his work, Paa was reading Indian newspaper online, Maa was reading one of her religious books and I was propped up in our bed checking everyone’s Facebook status when I realized the random contractions I had been feeling all day were not random anymore and the pain I felt with each was growing. This was around 10:00 at night. Having read about contractions coming and going without getting regular I decided to not make a big deal about them but did start timing them..hmm..they were regular 12 mins apart. We had been told by Dr T and the hospital staff to come to the hospital when the contractions met the 5-1-1 rule..they had to be 5 mins apart..each contraction had to be 1 min long..and this rhythm had to be going on for 1 hour..so even if these were real contractions I had a long way to go before we actually made our way to the hospital.

The contractions did not seem to stop.. they slowly started getting closer together 11 mins..and it hit me I still had that document to write, so I started getting everything together in a hurry. I finally finished around 1:30 and mailed it out to the team. In the mean time I asked D to pack our hospital bag (we had left that till the last-minute). So the baby’s take home clothes was put together with a blanket..her car seat was taken out, not to be forgotten..my PJ were packed and so were my change of clothes. Once done we decided to call it a night and it was lights-out at around 2:00. D was out like a log but sleep was not happening for me..ever intensifying pain can do that to a person..In the end I gave up and headed to the living room for some low volume TV watching and some web surfing..anything to distract me. Alas my mind remained on timing the contractions. Once I got to 7 mins apart, I called the hospital and they very promptly said ‘Come when you get to 5-1-1’ (I guess they deal with so many women about to deliver that they have lost their sympathy bone :(). The only good thing that came out of the phone call (at least for me) was that Maa woke up and realized she was going to be a Nani by the time the day was out (hopefully before the day is out). She sat and gave me company, holding my hand when contractions came (by now they were excruciating).. rub my back..did whatever she could to make me comfortable. Also she would rush to the kitchen in the middle to get some food ready for D when we headed to the hospital (from experience she knew D would have a long day). She did try feeding me as well but I was not up for getting anything inside my body.

Finally at 5:30 I woke D up and said its time..lets head to the hospital..he smiles..gives me a hug..and says ‘Can I take a quick shower’..I was like..’turn around and let me kick you on your back side’. Anyways I let him take his shower while I got dressed. With Maa and Paa standing at the door..amongst loads of wishes and hugs and contraction pain we headed out. Between the four of us we had decided not to take Maa Paa to the hospital with us, as we were not sure how long the labor would be. They would be more comfortable at home where they could rest..eat..sleep..rather than being stuck in the hospital waiting room. D was suppose to go pick them up any time night or day once the baby came.

Anyways 15 mins drive to the hospital..checkin..triage and I was wheeled into the birthing room. I was asked if I want Epidural? When previously asked if I would take Epidural I always said ‘I will try to go all natural as far as I could and would take medication if I could not take the pain any more’, but a chat with a friend who told me she was so tired after all the contractions she bore because of not taking medication she just could not push the baby and had to have an emergency C-section and me having been going through contractions for a little over 10 hours was ready to take epidural the minute the doctors deemed time. I was finally given Epidural around 11:00 in the morning. Ah bliss..No pain..I could still feel the contractions but the edge of the pain was taken away. I fell asleep..would be woken up by the nurses and doctors when required but for most part was left to rest and preserve my energy.

Finally around 7:30 in the evening it was time to push. Lots of time spend..lot of energy spent..and nothing..the little one was not ready to come out. There is a state policy of not letting women push for more than 3-4 hours, so Dr P (Dr. T was out-of-town) at 10:30 P.M. said she would try using a suction cup a couple of times and if baby was not out, I would be wheeled into the OR for a C-section.

End result with me pushing and Dr P pulling, the head came out..one more push and the shoulders came out..with the shoulders out they just pulled on the baby..no more work required from me.. Out came a blood covered..screaming baby..weighing 8 pounds plus some odd ounce at a little after 11:00 P.M. at night.

Once everything was checked..pictures clicked..baby given a bath..D rushed to get my parents..and I was left alone (in peace after all the people coming and going through the day, checking this, prodding that) holding my precious little girl..What more can one ask for.. 🙂

The date

The due date came and the due date went..Baby made no appearance..

To be quite honest I was expecting her to be late..what with the family history like mine..my brother and I were both late and so was my niece. The certainty further cemented by the statistics that say that first time moms generally overshoot their due date.

But expecting and even being mentally prepared for something does not make the occurrence of said any easier to take. When one finds out one is pregnant and a date is set you always look at the finish line..and when you get to the size of a small bus and every movement takes some work you really get to counting days..and when the day passes you get to the uncertain stage..suddenly there is no end point to reach..you are there already so what next?? What do to count towards??

Anyways back to the big day that was supposed to be..well as I stated above nothing was happening. Thankfully the day being a Sunday, D in order to get my mind off the non-happening contractions decided to take us out for a picnic on a lake about 20 miles from where we stay. It felt good to be out after being cooped up inside for most parts..even if it was freezing outside. The picnic was followed by some shopping (my parents needed to buy gifts for family and friends back home) and then home to relax in front of the TV.

All in all a good day spend in the company of people I love..