Matter of heart

Buzz came back from school with an envelope, 3 pages of instructions and talked about heart, jump, donation, puppies. With a lot of things on my mind and emotionally not open to taking in everything she was talking about, I told her we would talk about it in a few days. With a long face, she walked away.

A couple of days later she came back and talked again. The school was hosting an event to support American Heart Institute and the kids were all to jump rope based on the money they collected, to educate about the importance of exercising and keeping the heart healthy. Could I donate some money, so that she could participate? Also there were different stuffed toy puppies that the kids earned based on the amount of money they collected, and she really wanted a couple of those.

I sat her down and explained that the idea behind the money raising drive was not asking parents to give the money. It was about talking to people, raising awareness about heart health and asking them for donate for the cause. Hard hearted mom that I was, I could not make things easy for her and give her money just so that she could get some stuffed toys and participate in the jumping rope activity in school. If she really wanted to do it, she had to do it all. Go talk to people and ask for money. We would donate some as well, but only if she did some work first.

She sat on the idea for a couple of days. Asked questions on how she could raise money. The grocery store, knocking door to door, the mall – ideas we came up with.

We were heading to the grocery store yesterday and she carried her envelope. She said her ‘excuse mes’ as she walked up to someone. Explained what she was doing and asked her question. ‘Could you contribute may be $5?’ She thought it would be easy. With $100 her goal, she did her math and figured all she needed to do was ask 20 people and she would be done. The script of course did not work as planned. A handful of people gave her a dollar or two but mostly all she heard was ‘All the best, but sorry!” After about 30 or so tries, there were tears in her eyes, here voice heavy. I told her I was proud of her for putting herself out there and knew it was not easy to hear ‘no’, but collecting money was not easy either. I asked her to stop and we could try again later. Demoralized we came back home.

Back home as she counted her money, $11.50, D encouraged her and told her that we would match everything she collected. $23 already she finally laughed.

Today after school we went to the mall. ‘There are more people there’, she told me. As I sat with my book, she walked around and made her case. After yesterday’s experience she took nos with a lot more grace. She smiled and thanked people. She talked and made a better case. At one point she spend 10 or so minutes talking to a mom and returned with a huge smile and 65cents in her hand. She jumped with excitement with every amount that she raised. And then when she was tired, she came and said ‘Lets go home Mumma!’

Current count is $54.34. She has also made a deal with D to convert her $4.34 to $5. $55 and matched by us she comes to $110. She couldn’t be more excited. We couldn’t be more proud. She did it on her own. She learned and can say she raised the money. I learned as well and can say, always be kind to kids trying to do something like this, even when you say no for whatever your reasons might be. Kindness goes a long way and the kids remember those more that even the amount of money they get. Buzz definitely talked more about those people than anyone else.

As she takes the money in to school tomorrow, she has to deal with a new challenge. Jump rope 220 times. Wish her luck!

 

What the..

I have never been much of swearer (is that even a word?) In days of the past “ullo” and “gadha” were my go to words. “Sh*t” and “Holy crap” joined the list somewhere down the line.

With the kids around I started to be very very carefully on the words I used. Additions were made to swearing vocabulary.

“Oooooohhhhhh,” I would go and add “shoot!” to it.

“Holy moly chipotle!” came next.

The kids picked it up, of course!

One day Buzz was trying to read and she made it through a particularly difficult sentence (for her) and I exclaimed “Oh Boy!”. Buzz laughed very hard and that became our go to word from then on.

About a month back she came home very excited.

Mumma, pata hei Ms. A kya boli? Oh My Apply Pie!

Giggles followed and Bugz picked it up as well.

“Oh My Apple Pie!” is now randomly heard around our house. Always followed by laughs, always brings happiness, age no bar.

Happy, innocent times, I hold dear as I go about my day.

Gladulation

One Sunday morning in mid Jan, Buzz wore her ski boots, stumbled her way through putting them in her skis, tried going down a bunny slope, fell, complained, tried again, cribbed, repeat and repeat some more.

One Sunday morning at end of March, Buzz wore her ski boots, clicked them into her skis confidently, went on the quad chair lift, up the big cliff (the easy green lifts are for kids after all), came down a bumpy slope with ease.

The same Sunday morning, Bugz wore little ski boots, broke Maa’s back while trying to put on the littlest skis ever, a few simple instructions followed and she came down the bunny slope, with full confidence, right in to Maa’s waiting hands.

The same Sunday, around 4:00 P.M., Buzz came down the slope making a big snake along with her class and all the other classes taking lessons. Parent cheered, bells rang, claps and shouts, cameras flashed, pride so high on those slopes that you could almost see it.

10 weeks went by before we realized. The progress Buzz made was beyond words. The joy Bugz showed worth 100. D can’t stop gushing over his little ones’ and planning endless trips to the mountains, of course. As for me, I started my journey one Sunday morning in mid Jan with one kid on the bunny slope and ended it one Sunday morning at end of March with the other kid on the same bunny slope.

We all gladulated as a family, don’t you think, even when only one of us got a certificate to prove it.

Little Hills

Dear Buzz,

In order for you to be happy, you need everyone to be happy with you. And that means your parents, your family, your teachers, your friends, people you met for the first time. Truly everyone! There is also the fact that you are good at a lot of things. You pick up things taught at school without a lot of struggle, you love arts and craft and have the patience to finish coloring a picture perfectly, you are coordinated and dance well, you have a good balance which helps you in sports. These two things combined means that it gets very difficult for you when you don’t do well at anything. Your first instinct is to avoid doing it, pretending that it does not interest you. Then the struggle starts to try and try a little more. As a grown up (and a biased mom), I still things you pick things, you thinks are difficult, easily. A few tries and it is not a challenge anymore.

Beginning of this school year, learning to read was your biggest struggle. You knew you letters, you knew the sound they made. But seeing it all together and you decided it was too hard. It has been slow work, trying to sound every letter and fit it all together, but you my smart one, memorize words you get stuck on and remember them so that you don’t have to sound them out. In a way that is how we are all read, our brain processes most written text that way, which makes your way a great way to go, but your Maa still makes you sound every word and makes you work through it. Super mean of her, I know, but you are doing great, even when you think you are not. I look at the progress you have made in the few short months and am amazed at how far you have come.

You love to learn. You wanted to learn how to read and write Hindi, so I taught you how to write your name. For about a month, you wrote it everywhere you possibly could. When your school offered Hindi class in their after school program, I asked you if you wanted to go? You were so excited to start that it was difficult to make you wait the week before class started. Every week you would come home talking about something you had learned. There was the k, kh, g and your funny pronunciation of them, there was Ravan and Diwali stories, there was practicing writing the letters. And you had fun doing it all. We worked together on ghoda and not goda, jhoola and not joola but as we laughed, you learned.

When you were a year and a half we had gone to a beach. You were so excited to see the water that you ran towards it. A big wave came charging and I picked you up in the nick of time, but it scared you off. Big pools of water were not for you. It took slow build up of confidence to get you inside a swimming pool but once you got over your fear, you were amazing. Now I see you mastering the backstroke, working hard on free style and just this weekend they progressed you to breast stroke. The smile on your face and you talked all about how you moved your legs was a sight to behold.

Having heard and watched videos of your Paa skiing and snowboarding, you could not wait to learn either. But having skis on is a totally different experience and the cold and snow does not help either. Once you got used to that, they started teaching you how to stop on a small small (almost un-noticeable) slope. The first time around, you were scared. I stood below, with a promise that I would not let you fall. You smiled and came down full speed, not even trying to stop. A couple of trips down the slope and you realized, you would stop without any effort on your part as you came to the flat section. No matter how many times your instructed asked you to break, you would not. You looked at me and said, ‘I like going fast, why should I break?’. I explained that only when you learned to stop will your instructors take you up on the chair lift. Indeed they did that to a few kids in your class, while you got left behind. Not happy with that, you practiced you stops, relentlessly.

This weekend, your ski class was off. The plan was for your Paa to see if you were ready for the chair lift and if so take you up one and come down an actual long slope. A couple of reasons and we decided that I would carry my ski along and not him. The two of us did three runs on bunny slopes and we thought you were ready. With a little bit of trepidation (OK a lot more than little), I took you up the slope on the chair lift. You laughed as we sat on the chair, hanging high over the ground, looking down at people. The getting off the lift used to be the scariest part for me, while I was learning how to ski, but you were a pro at it, in your first time. I told you, ‘skis straight, stand up and I will push you a little.’ You did it exactly as instructed, not even a wobble and you were off, skiing out. I went in front, you followed. Not only breaking when your speed became too much but also turning as I did. Any expectations I had, before we started the run, you blew beyond recognition. As we came down to stand in line again to get on the chair lift, you asked me, ‘can you tell Papa, I did well? I feel down twice, but that is OK right Mumma?’. I hugged you tights, ‘of course it is more than ok!’ 3 more runs, only one more fall, while Paa and Bugz, standing in the middle of the run, watching and you were ready to move on to the next challenge.

Your little hills, you concur with so much ease. Your highs so much bigger because of your little age. Our pride ever growing with each step of yours. My dearest one, my wish for you stays with you, through the hills and valleys. Stay healthy, stay happy, stay you.

Oh and as you grow up and laugh at my skiing skills, remember I was the first one to teach you how to come down a hill!

Loads of love,
-Maa

 

Family dynamics

When I grow up who will be my family?

she asked. Even though I understood the question, not sure how to answer it, I asked her what she meant.

When I grow up who will my Mumma? Who will be my Papa?
We will, Mumma and Papa will always be your Mumma and Papa.

Back and forth a few times and she dropped the topic.

***************************

When I grow up I will stay in that house.

she said, pointing to the house across the street from us.

Why that house?
Because it has a yard in it.
Where will I stay?
In this house with Papa.

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When I am very very very old, how will I have a family.

Sigh! I get your questions sweetheart, I really do. I just don’t know how to explain the making of a new family to you. The fact that you see yourself as a child in your future and are looking for a Mom and a Dad makes it even more complicated to explain.

Parenting truly teaches one the art of creative thinking and makes one the master of diverting topics. Whatay fun!

All the world’s a stage

Act 1:

Buzz and I were having a conversation as we waited at the airport to board our flight here. An old Indian lady commented on how well Buzz spoke Hindi. Buzz has to chime in of course,

I know English, Hindi, Spanish and Chinese.

‘Chinese?’, we both exclaimed at the same time.

Buzz went on to say a couple of words in Chinese to prove her language powers.

She has a few kids who speak the language in her class and has picked up a handful of words from them.

Act 2:

We were at Delhi airport waiting for our flight out. There was an Air India plane standing at the terminal we had to board our flight from. When boarding started Buzz wanted to board as well but we told her we were flying another airline and we had to wait for the Air India airplane to fly off and ours to come before we could board.

Why are we not flying Air India, Mumma?
It does not go to the city where we have to go?
The pilot does not know the way to our city?
No, only our pilot knows how to get to our city.
Which city can this pilot fly to?
London (it was a flight to London)

Act 3:

Buzz’s class got introduced to the concept of Maps. They looked at the world map and the country map. Their homework for the month was to mark on a map all the places they had visited and may want to visit. I printed a world map and a country map, sat Buzz down and we marked the placed Buzz had visited, starting from the latest thinking it would be easier for her to remember. We were half way done when Buzz was done. With so many other interesting things that go on in her life, sitting still for homework was a bit much. Any future attempts for moving forward with the homework were rejected for the rest of the week so that is how the homework was submitted.

One evening a week or so after the homework was submitted, during pickup from school, Buzz was mad at me. I asked her what was wrong.

We had to mark places we want to visit on the map too. I did not mark those.

Aah! so she had presented her homework in front of the class and was mad.

Which place did you want to visit?
China and London.

Act 4:

Which airline goes to China, Mumma?
err..Air China maybe (praying there is an air carrier by that name)
Which one goes to London?
I don’t know.
Air India, Mumma, Air India!
Oh yeah, from India Air India goes to London.
When can we go to London, Mumma?
I don’t know, during our vacation?
You always say that! You never take me to China and London!

Closing Monolog:

London and China you will be the end of me. Need to find ways to get to you two sooner than later. Or pray real hard that she gets over her visit places phase.

On this world’s stage we travel on!

Hat..bat..rat

Buzz learned about rhyming words a couple of months back and finding rhyming words for everything is her latest game. Most of the time it is about substituting the starting letter randomly to see if it forms a word.

If asked what rhymes with say ‘Book’, her first instinct is to say ‘Shook’.

*digression* Proud mother moment that she has taken the Hindi lesson so well. Kaam – Waam, Roti – Shoti, Book – Shook *end digression*

Sometimes what she comes up with is indeed a word and sometimes it is not. If it is not a word, I tell her it is not and she goes on to think of another word.

Yesterday as we were at the same game she came up with

Duck

Thought and thought and said it rhymes with

*uck

Not hearing any response from me, she looked at me and asked

Yeah word hai kya Mumma? (Is it a word Mumma?)

I try and not lie to the kids no matter how difficult the issue is but saying yes meant answering the next question

What does it mean Mumma?

I quickly changed the topic. Things kids can come up with are beyond anything a grown adult mind can comprehend. Apparently rhyming words are also not landmine free!!!

Wise words

We as parents often times over do the whole parenting thing; they should learn this, they should be protected from that, they should not eat this, they should not watch that, they are too young for this, they are too old for that; kids do fine and grow up just fine till we get the basics rights. We all did too.

I look all around me – people from different countries, different backgrounds, different economic status growing up – all good humans beings. And I think to myself that yes I am over doing it all, over thinking it all. I need to take a long breath, exhale and trust that I will not mess it up, my kids will grow up fine, just like we all did.

Guns.. Violence.. Death

Mumma, Policemen gun se other people ko kyoin maarte hein?

She asked me as we were driving home in the evening, day before yesterday. To say I was shocked by the question would be an understatement. My instant reaction was,

Who told you that?

Wrong way to go, I know, but that is what came out of my mouth.

There is this boy who joined Buzz’s class early this year. He is crazy about Superheroes, is always dressed in T-shirts with one or the other of them, has an Ironman backpack, had Superheroes as a theme for his recently over birthday party. Kids’ birthdays in Buzz’s school are very low key. The parents of the birthday kid get cake/cupcake, some juice or milk for the kids. All kids ask the birthday kid questions about his/her birthday, sing the birthday song, eat the special treat and it is done. This kid’s birthday was the first time they got a goody bag at school and it was ‘Superhero’ picture book. Once the goody bag is in the hands of the kids it is very difficult to get them out. The goody bags were opened and only then did the teachers realized what was in them. Since most kids did not know who the people on the picture book was, they asked questions and the teachers answered as much as they could, talking about the positives of a Superhero. That evening on our way home, Buzz told me she did not like the big giant guy in the green (The hulk). Having too many picture books, she was not too keen on another one so kept it aside and forgot all about it.

Last week after the Mother’s day celebration at Buzz’s school since I was out of work already and it did not make sense for me to head to work and come back to pick Buzz in another hour, I figured I would take her to the nearby park. Most moms were of the same mindset and so we all drove to the park. While the kids all played together, the moms got talking. Most moms of boys were worried because they were coming home and saying things like:

I will gun you down. I will cut you up.

These are little kids and them mouthing things like that is a shock to every parent. There has been a talk with the teachers and I know action is being taken at school.

To Buzz a Policeman is a very nice person. They help protect us, they enforce rules and regulations, they keep us safe. It has been drummed in to her that if something goes wrong she has to go to the police. To suddenly be told that they actually kill people was too much for her to understand. The thing that complicates it all is that Buzz knows what death is. She has seen her Nani be sick and pass away. She knows that Nani is never coming back. She looks at other kids play with their grandmas and asks questions around what happened to both of hers. Where they are, what happened to them are very common questions in our house. One day she started crying, because she thought D and I would die too and would leave Buzz and Bugz behind. Death and the void that it leaves is something she understands in her own child like way.

The same day as I was cutting vegetables for dinner she told me,

Knife se stab kar sakte hein.

Since I have always told her knife can hurt which is why only adults can use them to cut vegetables and fruits, and even adults have to be very careful while using them; I carried forward from there, talking about how hurting others is never a good thing, be it guns or knives or any other thing.

Looking back I regret not dealing with the gun issue when it first came up. I still don’t have the correct answer. I know the issue has come up a bit too early for the kids and in response the parents in her class and they are too young in their understanding of such things to deal with them well. But now that it is here, it can’t be taken back. While I search for ways to figure this issue, if any of you have any ideas please please do drop a line. Would really appreciate any help I can get.

Raising a girl

When Buzz was about 2, a friend asked me my thoughts on Fairy Tale books. Buzz was in her animal phase then and I had not really given fairy tales much thought. I gave a very jumbled reply, if I remember correctly. Something along the lines of, yeah.. sure.. maybe.. when she is over her animal books.

Buzz is growing up, has her wishes and her wants. Says things like, ‘this is my choice’ and stands strong for it. But as a parent it is my duty (not choice) to look at the bigger picture and guide her through her choices. It is very easy to give in to a simple demand of ‘that dress’, ‘those shoes’, ‘this book’, ‘that toy’ as an isolated ask. The picture however is not made up of singular events.

We all love our kids, there is no questioning that. We all think they are the best thing there is. We want to dress them pretty, ooh and aah over them, click their pictures and in this age of social networking post them on Facebook for others to like. I love to do all of these things too, barring a couple that is. I never vocalize how cute/good I think Buzz (and now Bugz) looks. I in fact got really mad when a friend said Buzz looked very nice that particular day because her hair was tied differently, while in Buzz’s presence. There are a few messages I don’t want my daughters to be growing up with (inevitable as it may be). Looking cute or beautiful is one of them. The way to impress others is to get all dressed up, is another. Here I am not saying that I don’t complement Buzz at all. I am very free which them when she helps others. I tell her she did great when she does her art projects. I tell her I am super proud of her as she rides her bike without training wheels. I lavish her with kisses and hugs for the little things she does. Complements on clothes and looks on the other hand, no I don’t.

I dress Buzz up mostly based on the weather but it is important to me that she for now wears all kids of clothes, in varied colors. Her closet has jeans, tights, shorts, pants, T-shirts, tops, skirts and dresses in shades of blue, green, pink, orange, purple, yellow, grey and white. I was shocked a few months back when Buzz one day refused to wear Jeans and said, ‘Boys wear jeans and not girls’. Since then we have had this conversation about what girls do verses what boys do, a number of times.

D loves to watch NBA and Buzz sometimes sits with him. One day she said, ‘only boys play basketball’. D told her that was not true. We searched and showed her videos of girls playing basketball and since then every time we come across women playing a sport of TV, which sadly is way fewer in number, we record it in order to show her the girls indeed play varied sports. On our drive to and from school, she always asks if a certain song has been sung by a boy or a girl. The music industry thankfully does the boy vs. girl ratio well. One day we were talking about various things and she said, ‘only boys can be fireman’. I told her that girls can in fact be fire(wo)men. ‘No’ she came back, ‘xyz in my school said only boys get to become fireman’.

School and what other kids wear/do is such a big influence on our kid’s life. I knew that, but the sheer impact of it has taken me by surprise. Princesses, getting dressed up, wearing jewelry, cartoons now rule Buzz’s world. And this is when she has not been exposed to any of this at home. There is little or no television viewing for her, she does not see me wear any jewelry or put on any kind of makeup and there is little or no talk about dressing up. But she is seen wearing a necklace and a ring. I almost ruptured a nerve when we opened a goody bad from a friends son’s birthday party and saw the necklace and ring in it (for both Buzz and Bugz); plasticy, blingy, junk jewelry as a gift for little girls!! Apparently girls from school wear them all the time. I still deal with her wearing these at home (stand strong against wearing any of it in school) but I can see D’s eye itch every single time he sees her with one of those. She once colored all 20 nails of her’s with sketch-pen because a girl in her class came with nail polish on. It took multiple scrubbings to get is back to their normal color.

They asked all the kids in school, what they wanted to be once they grew up. Princess cried a few girls. The rest followed. So Princess it was. I asked Buzz what a princess does? She said, ‘the princess wears a long dress and a crown, spins in circles and waves to everyone’. Cliché Disney image of a princess anyone? I started talking to her about the importance of various professions after that. Fireman, gets fire under control and saves lives; Construction worker builds the house we live in; Pilot flies an airplane and so on. What is so important that a Princess does, I asked? She had no answer. The trip to India and back helped as she thought about it and said she wanted to be an airhostess. The way they were dressed had a big role to play but she had an answer to what they do. A giant step forward in my mind. This past week she was called out in school for not telling the truth. She thought something had happened and went and told the teachers. It in fact came out that it really had not happened, she perceived it that way. Not really lying but it was an opportunity to talk to her why lying is bad and how we should always tell the truth. She asked me, ‘if I don’t ever lie can I be a Police Officer then? I want to help everyone’. ‘Yes, you can’, I told her and did a mental dance.

I wore ear-rings one day. She asked me why she could not wear one as well. I told her she did not have her ears pierced. She wanted to know when she could get them pierced. I asked her when she thought was a good time. She came back with when she turns 6. Fair enough! I know there is a tradition in some parts of India around getting ears pierced and I have been now told that it is less painful for little kids but it somehow was never a matter of urgency for me. I remember sitting in my mother’s lap when my ears got pierced, so I don’t really have a precedent on getting the piercing done at a early age. When she turns 6 and still wants to go ahead, I will let her. Her choice as she so often says.

One day I was at the library picking books for her and came across one of the Fairy Tales. Keeping aside all my prejudice for Disney that I have build up since I have had Buzz, I picked up the book and did a quick scan through. Evil witch, damsel in distress, handsome prince, fighting, running away – is this what I want my daughter to read? No, I said and kept the book back. Buzz got ‘Hansel and Gretel’ as a gift. I have such a hard time explaining why the step-mom is evil and worse why the Dad left the kids alone in the jungle even when he loved them so much. ‘Chicken Licken’ is so much easier to explain.

It is very easy for me to keep the Jeans aside because she does not want to wear them, or let her think that only boys can be firemen, or put nail polish on, or let her thing that wanting to become a Princess when she grows up is OK, or get her ear-rings today, or get her the Disney princess books that she so wants. But I ask the very basic question every time. Why? Her reason behind it is what makes me decide what path I am going to take. It is my responsibility to give my kids choices, all the choices. I have to have the world opened for them. I have to let them see the entire spectrum and not get bogged down by marketing gimmicks, color coded dresses, what others are doing. Why narrow the scope by following what everyone else is doing or what the film industry and the marketing talking heads are telling us? I also don’t want to be a friend to my daughters at the expense of not being a mom. Discipline, is important for the kids. I don’t believe in letting them have their way in everything in the name of choice. As a parent I need to set boundaries and I would rather be on the stricter side than have the kids misbehave.

One thing I have recently started working on with Buzz is to tell her, ‘it is ok to be different; to think different’. Chicken Licken comes to the recue. We never know what the future holds but I am making this parenting thing work in the way it makes sense to me and hope that the kids grow up thinking it was not all bad. I hope both Buzz and Bugz learn to think freely and know the true meaning of choice.

Do read this article if you have a chance. Food for thought for sure. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html?ref=fb&src=sp