Physically, mentally, any possible way there is to be – I am tired. We are now on to middle of April and I have had not a single day to just be. Weekdays, weekends, none!
I look back at the time when D and I were just married and wonder why I was so upset to have all that time to self? Why was the frustration of not being able to work so high? Why did I feel I was losing out on my dreams, my career? Job, visa status, inability to work – so much time I spend crying over it, why? I do know why, of course I do. But now when there are no breaks, why do I remember those time and smile at them? They were good times; they made for happy memories, even them tears.
I look back at the first few years when I started working again and I see this me who wanted so badly to make up for the years lost. Long work hours – self chosen, quick promotions – reward, better projects – fought for.
I look back to the time when Buzz was born and remember my decision to take a step away from the fast lane. While I did not leave my job completely, I did not take everything that was given to be either. I learned to say ‘No’ and be firm about it. I smile at my need to rush back home and hold my little baby, every single day.
I look back to the time when I was pregnant with Bugz and think of it as my lowest point personally and professionally. A promotion that was promised to me for all my work turned to the worst review I ever received due to getting a manager from hell at the last minute. And it did not even stand in front of the personal loss I was dealing with. The little humans and the hold they have on my heart were the only reason that I kept going.
I look back at last year, to the promotion that I finally got, only to realize it did not matter to me. I shrugged and moved on. No cheering, no celebration, nothing! My job now I think of as part-time, something I do on the side. My fulltime focus is my kids, my house. Do I hear snickers from my friends, of course and I have heard enough since the time Buzz was born. I have it easy, or I have taken the easy way out, I am told over and over again. Not a discussion I want to get into, so another shrug from me.
I look at the past couple of weeks and wonder what just happened. My entire team went missing for one reason or the other. There was one who was getting married, the other who had planned a vacation months is advance, the other whose training came up – one he had been waiting for months to get in to. Where did that leave the only person from the team at work, a.k.a me? Doing five peoples job, that’s what. 16+ hours a day, for a couple of weeks and then left with a backlog of my own work, which I am still trying to make up for. I don’t only feel like a zombie, I actually look like one too. Friday before last, while playing with the kids, around 6:30 in the evening, I lay down on the couch for a second and passed out. D came home to them kids jumping on me and I slept through it all. This past Tuesday, while D got the two little monkeys ready for bed, I lay down for a sec and fell asleep again, only to be woken up by Bugz trying to pry my eyelids apart so that she could get her goodnight kiss.
In my fatigue induced dream world I sit and think to myself that in true blue Indian mother style I should quit work and start to focus on Buzz’s education when she turns 15. Peek study years, getting admissions to a good college.. yada yada. Mind drifts off to ‘the girls will be old by then, we can all take a girly vacation together while D can continue working to provide for the said vacation’. Ahh! The images are perfect, when my work email pings like crazy and I crash land in to reality. As I morn, it comes to me that I am exactly half way through my total working years if I actually quit at that time. Halfway done people! Yahoo! My future is bright, with times with the kids when they will actually remember, vacations and trips, girl times (if they want one, but we will not think sad thoughts). Retirement here I come!