Reflecting..Musing..

I look at little babies and the overwhelming feeling I get is relief. Relief that I am done with that part of my life – I am done with sleepless nights, endless feeding sessions, constant worry about every sound or lack of, helplessness when they cry and nothing seems to soothe them. I love playing with little babies and go aww over their smiles but I also smile when I hand them over to their parents.

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I see my kids run and play and feel sad when they call to me to come play with them and I can’t owing to my hurt ankle which does not seem to be getting better. Doctor tells me, I need to rest. I laugh at her face because rest is the hardest thing to do in the current stage of my life. The kids don’t really understand, they want their food and bath, their hugs and holding, their games and  dances, their pick ups and drop offs to various activities. I try to do it all and when the pain gets too much, I firmly refuse their next set of demands. The look of total betrayal on their faces makes my heart break a little every single time.

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I feel my body not being able cope up with two active kids and I regret the decision to keep postponing having them years ago. As a young 20 something – making something of my carrier, enjoying a carefree life, having fun were things that seemed important. The idea, that is prominent in our generation, that kids are the end of having a fun life scared the life off me. It was easy to say, ‘we are still young, there is still time’. Now I wish we had then a few years early. I wish my body was healthy enough to run after them, play with them and not be tired at the end of the day. I sometimes wonder if having kids a little earlier would have taken lesser of a toll on my body than it did and hence added to the general sense of having more energy.

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I look at friends in their mid 30s who are struggling to have kids, going though fertility issues and late miscarriages and am puzzled with the decisions we as a generation are taking. 1 in 5 pregnancy result in a miscarriage. That is 20% of pregnancies. I see various people from older generation shake their head and say these things were almost unheard of in their times and I think there really is some truth in having kids early in life. May be the human body is designed in a certain way and we should respect that.

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About a month back I went out to lunch with three of my other work friends. The one other girl friend in the group and I started talking about how difficult life was at the moment. Between work and demands of constantly keeping up with the expectations at work, kids and the attention they require, cooking and cleaning, meeting other social obligations, we both were feeling run down. Looking at what I do everyday and how things are going to be in the future, I don’t see anything changing and if it does change it will be to add more to my day and not take anything from it. The very thought scares me but I hate feeling this way. I hate constantly cribbing or feeling overwhelmed.

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I am making little changes in my everyday life and that makes me happy. I got a haircut and tie my hair a little differently. Most times when I go for a haircut I give them precise instructions on length, cut etc. This time I went and all I said was let the length be at least to the point where I can tie it up, the rest is up to you. No control, no expectations, worst come to worst I would tie my hair. I loved the haircut. It is different and it makes me feel so much better. I play around with how to tie it, spending 5 extra mins on myself everyday. I got my earrings out and started wearing them regularly. I went shopping and bought a short skirt. Things I have not done since I had Buzz. The look on D’s face as I came down wearing my skirt and I laugh a happy laugh. Doing little things for myself makes the burden of all I need to do in my day feel a little lighter.

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I carry a couple of books to Buzz and Bugz room. Buzz sits on her bed so that I can read them to her. I tell her that we will laydown and read the books, so she promptly does. Bugz looks at her didi, makes for the bed and lays down as well, leaving some space for me in the middle of the bed. Kids on both sides, snuggling up to me, I start reading the book. Somewhere in the middle for some reason we have a tickle fight. Which is followed by playing our own version of ‘if you are happy and you know it’. There are laughs and claps and hugs and kisses. Books are forgotten but then bedtime routines are meant to be broken sometimes. The happy sounds are more important.

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On my way out of work I saw two, almost in their teens, girls playing. A quick glance told me they were siblings. One ran, the other ran behind, they stopped and laughed at something and I had a flash forward of what my future holds. I had an instant smile on my face as I walked passed them, only to look up and have my eyes clash with a woman who obviously was their mother. She smiled at me but what caught my attention was the pride in her eyes and the joy of having someone smile looking at her little girls. I can’t wait for that look in my eyes a few years down the line.

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I look at D cheering Buzz as she rides her Bike and Bugz jumps around him. I see him carefully hold Bugz and the bike as she sits on it for her ride and Buzz claps along. I see the three of them run and play and laugh and hold hands and am thankful. Thankful for my little family and the sunshine that fills it.

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The future from what I can see right now looks like a mixed bag. All I want to do is walk towards it with a lot of joy; take what comes my way in a confident stride; be sad when need be, shed a tear or two when called for, but not wallow in self pity for too long; I want to remember all the good times and chalk all the difficult times as a phase of life which everyone has to go through.

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14 thoughts on “Reflecting..Musing..

  1. so true! How I wish I was five years younger. I often recall how I would say I am young, take a chill pill..lol! There are so many things in life..if only we knew at that time..but, it’s fine we are not old either:)

  2. Love this post 🙂 I can see the love and pride of a mother all over it! Such thoughts are inspiration for yours truly to start a family of my own…soon.

    True, once they are past the infant stage, things are easier. You start enjoying your time with the child even more, since the child can respond to you better and better…and also start articulating his/her own thoughts to you.

    If you don’t mind me asking, how old were you when you had your kids? Mid-30’s? Hubby and I have been toying with the idea of having kids. I am in my late twenties now. Want to have our first child by the time I am 30…. or so we are planning.

    1. D and I were just like you, 30 being our planned age and we did have Buzz when I was 30. But and the big but comes from the fact that the second one came a few years down the line. Two pregnancies in my 30s and dealing with two babies back to back have taken a toll on my body. There is no point looking back and I am super happy with my kids and thankful for them but I wish I had my second one closer to 30 and not my first one.

  3. Comfy, we all go through this dear like if we had , what if and all that. Stress in this generation is way too higher than anytime, health care did improve drastically but like you said fertility problems are increasing way too higher than ever.

    Reading your post make me sigh work home and family takes a toll on us, I keep pushing myself till I just cannot do any further. Knee pain I go through it too, are you taking your vitamin D? When I was in Portland it was a must with the lack of sunlight.

    Those little make overs and changes in attair do bring instant changes in me too, keep them going.

    Trust me Buzz and bugz will make you proud and the scarifies you do now will be paid off. Hugs dear, I can so relate to your pain.

  4. Sigh! What a wonderful wonderful post..you are so so lucky and smart to plan your kids the way you planned them…you are right! people like me are struggling to concieve now and even if we do, it ends in a miscarriage.. :(:(…

    Loved what you wrote about the two teenage girls..I am sure you will have those lovely moments 🙂

    and oh oh congrats on the hair cut and taking time for yourself 🙂 Guess it makes a lot of difference eh? even if not physically, at least mentally it makes you feel good no?

  5. Comfy such a wonderful post. Self pity is something we do all the time. But i tell you our generation is one fighter kinds. We do work along with everything including maintaining the house kids and all that. I think we have got it all and we will do it to raise a much healthier and diligent set of kids. I hope and always think that our kids will make us proud of all that we are doing now and when we look back at that age we might have a few tears in our eyes but that will be certainly of joy.

  6. Can relate to this one at so many levels Comfy! But most of all.. it made me smile 🙂
    Love how you have summed it up.. precisely what’s going on in my mind since a few days… I’m trying to view things this way and not get bogged down or become overwhelmed by all that is going on ..
    Hugs Comfy!

  7. Comfy, what happened to your ankle? It got me all concerned. Hope nothing too serious? Please take care..

    I’ve always looked up to you for a lot of things you know? Managing babies, home, work and life so efficiently is one of them.

  8. May your house is always bright and happy with such sunshine moments.

    And believe me few years down the line you would be that proud mother seeing your girls 🙂

    What happened to your ankle?

    About delaying the age of conceiving, me and TBH have plans too, I just hope it turns to be the right age for me without complications. I won’t be touching me 30s for few more years 🙂

    Btw same pinch on the hair instructions thing I mean the earlier version of it, though I always want a change but get too rigid once the scissors starts its work. But glad it worked out for you, me time like this always matters in boosting once sprits 🙂

  9. Beautiful post, Comfy. Straight from the heart. Loved reading it.

    May you be able to make peace with the sense of overwhelming activity in your life.

    Loved the incident about you trying to read a book with your two kids, and the one about a mother looking with pride at you smiling on seeing her daughters. How sweet!

    I so agree with what you say about having kids early. I am shocked at what I am reading in the newspapers every day about people having hypertension and diabetes in their 20s, people reaching menopause in their 30s, and SO MANY couples struggling with infertility in their 30s. The OH and I, too, have been struggling with these issues for the past few years now. I am not advocating having a child when you are not ready for it, but I now realise it is not good to postpone it just because you are young. You never know what shape your life will take in the years to come, your health too.

  10. Oh, and cheers on the new haircut, earrings and short skirt. 🙂 It is always good to spend a little time exclusively on yourself. I try to do that every now and then, whenever the demands of life get a little too much to bear.

    About the haircut, I was skeptical about trying one out too, till recently. Then I got a haircut, too, and told them exactly the same thing. I didn’t specify anything except tell them that I wanted to tie up my hair whenever I wanted, and to go by what would suit me. I must say they have done a wonderful job, and the haircut feels great. I love the way it lifts up your entire face, and takes a whole cartload of weight off you. 🙂

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