Introspection

To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.
Oscar Wilde

There is so much I do in a day and yet stay in the exact same place. It is like being on a treadmill. You have to run just so that you can stay on, but there is no place you are going to. And if someone increases the speed all you can do is grit your teeth and run faster, because falling is not an option. Now there are ways of running. One has the stamina and runs with long powerful strides; while the other clings to the hand rails, huffs along, at the very edge, just about dragging his feet forward less than a second before the machine throws him off.

The second one, yeah that is me. And no matter what, there is never a time to get off. On my hands and knees, out of breadth, out of shape, I keep going.

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen

Sometimes I feel like a ragged doll tied up in strings for the cats to play with. A paw here, a pull there, a tug, a bite. A game for others while all the doll wants is for someone to cut the strings for a bit so that she can stitch herself back together again.

The demands of the day, tasks to be done, additions and subtractions of life. Where is my time to heal? To get better? To recharge?

All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.
Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Fears, so many fears. Two little lives and how they shape up, on my shoulders. Good from bad, right from wrong, time and attention, books, activities, decisions, love, punishments, enough, too little, too much, too strict, too lenient.

They smile, they laugh, they cry, they hurt. And every single thing becomes a reflection of me. Every single action gets internalized and measured on an invisible scale.

To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never to forget.
Arundhati Roy, The Cost of Living

Tunneled vision, that is what I have become. In between juggling all the day’s work, obsessing about the kids, meeting deadlines, over analyzing things said and done; I have somewhere lost the ability to look outside. Look at what others are going through. I have forgotten what is important.

Friends, I have lost touch with. People I used always have time for and now I don’t even try to make time. So lost am I in my self-pity that I don’t even sit and try to see the point of view of the guy who cares the most, about all things that I care about but most importantly about me.

Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you’d been before the fall.
Jodi Picoult

That cracked image in the mirror, millions of small pieces. Every piece is a part of me. I look and look closely and don’t like anything I see. All I can see are things I did not do right, things I could have done better. Questions, insecurities, what ifs: all showing a different part of me.

Is the mirror really cracked or is it a self-created illusion. I need the cobwebs gone, I need the lights to be turned on, I need to see clearly now. I need to start running. Right about now!

“I don’t get it,’ Caroline said, bemused. ‘She’s the only one with wings. Why is that?’
There were so many questions in life. You couldn’t ever have all the answers. But I knew this one.
It’s so she can fly,’ I said. Then I started to run.”
Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

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28 thoughts on “Introspection

  1. I had the treadmill epiphany a few months ago. No matter what causes it, I know too well how it feels. I hope you feel better. I want you to feel better. Sometimes it may seem like you bit off more than you can chew but it gets better. Hang in there. What helped me the most was having a mighty rant. Without sugar coating or hiding the details. It took a load off my chest. If you can, spell out exactly all that is causing you to feel that treadmill feeling to somebody – anybody. Mmuahs.

    1. I have been on this treadmill for almost a year now. Will it get better? That is the hope, right? 🙂 Or as the quote goes
      “I think I’ve discovered the secret of life — you just hang around until you get used to it.”
      ― Charles M. Schulz

      I had a major rant in front of D this past weekend and saw things from his side. The picture did not look good from that side either, which is why I put it here. Something to remember. Look at both side. Get out of your hole and really look at things.
      Will it make it better? Don’t think so, but you won’t feel as bad. 🙂

      1. Get used to it indeed!

        Sigh the other side of the picture. Makes you wonder if there’s anything you have done right.

        Hope you feel better soon. Is resting for a bit an option? Taking things slow?

        1. Makes you wonder if there’s anything you have done right.
          Exactly! That is where all the questions are coming from. Am I doing anything right? Then I tell myself, ‘of course you are, now stop the self-pity and get back to work’ 😀

          We are working on the resting for a bit part. But with two full time jobs (him much more hectic than mine) and two little kids it is a little hard. We will get there. Mann mein hei vishwaas, pura hei vishwaas. 🙂

  2. Here.. Take a big bear hug from me! 🙂

    I really think I can understand what you are saying about running and yet staying in the same place, Comfy. Going through almost the same feeling for my own reasons but my heart is just refusing to get used to it! 😦

  3. Darn Comfy, how do you manage this? make me feel as if you can read my thoughts! I had a major rant with RD some days ago..and honestly looked at things from his view as well..I think I was getting a bit self centred..Now, I have started breathing even and trying to understand life from the other person’s perspective as well!

    big big big tight hugs to you theek hai?

    1. You too RM? Is it the simple factor of having kids that young then? I wonder.

      I am glad you had a talk with RD and things are looking better. It helps to get it out of the system, does it now, even when nothing changes. 🙂

      Hugs right back at yaaa!!

  4. hugs. Know what you need to a holiday; just to unwind. I can connect to this on so many levels. And when I say “take one day a time” I am just telling it to me ; not to you alone.

  5. hugs Comfy, big big hugs.. I so understand this running feeling esp. after LHB’s appearance.. Hang in there and hope/believe that it will soon get better.. hugs dear

  6. Touched me beyond words Comfy. Those quotes and your words.

    Can I just sit next to you ..let you lean in and relax a bit?

    Have been on the treadmill too. But, am trying hard to break out . Many loose ends and lot of guilt/questioning exist because I refuse the “running”.

    Take it one day at a time – sometime down the line we shall find balance..peace.

  7. First of all sending you warm tight hug.

    Looks like I am in similar boat too, I mean I have been running crazy yet I never reach my destination. with R traveling and staying away from us it’s even harder, I run with a full time job and my 3yr old in hand. Sometimes I feel like throwing all these and getting into a free zone. That never happens . Hope and dream is what keep me going.. I am sure there is a light at the end if tunnel…

  8. Hugs Comfy.

    I know it sucks to feel stuck and stagnant in spite of doing so much. But i’ll urge you to relax and also introspect on the things that are going great in your life.

    There are phases when there is no tangible movement but am sure you’re doing the right things and are moving in the right direction… Dont be too harsh on yourself. I hope writing this here has helped deal with your anxieties to some extent..
    Hugs. Take care.

  9. Hugs, dearie! Hope you start feeling better soon!

    Keeping on running and still feeling like you are in the very same position as you were – that is something I have been feeling, too, for my own reasons. I can very well relate to that.

    The quotes are beautiful, especially the ones by Sarah Dessen and Jodi Picoult. I think I’ll pick up the Sarah Dessen book soon.

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