Dear July

You were always one of my most fav. month of the year. I used to count days till the calendar change happened and along with it came Maa Paa’s wedding anniversary. Cards were made and handed over. Movie and dinner date planned out with the family. A wonderful day right at the beginning of the month. I loved you so very much.

I have such fond memories of you but things have changed so drastically now. My feelings for you have changed so drastically now. I have dreaded your arrival like no other. Every single day has been painful to live past. I have smiled my smile and gone about my days like nothing is different, but you know it and I know it that things will never be the same. I break down on the inside every minute of the day as I re-live everything that happened this time last year. I feel helpless, I feel lost, I want to break down and cry and yet I put on my normal mask for the world to see.

The clock keeps ticking, the days keep going by and I get stuck on certain dates. Dates that I used to look forward to. Dates I would count down to. Dates that made me happy. Now I look at them and wonder what to do with them. Do I pick up the phone and call Paa? What do I tell him? Do I wish him? Do I ask him, how he is holding on? Do I cry as I talk? Do I act normal? Do I…?

My heart is heavy, my eyes brimming with tears, my words stuck, refusing to be voiced. I stand alone, without the protection of love I took for granted. Lost, without the hand that always guided me. Broken, without the care that was mine. So today, July, this is my outlet. I write it down here breaking all my rules.

Happy 56th Birthday, Maa.