Trust issues

There are about 8 or so guys from D’s college/class who work and stay in the area, which means we have a big and strong social circle. We had all gotten together at someone’s place for lunch and talks about college and work and the economy and the latest gadgets was going on, as always.

Now we are all at a point in life that everyone has kids or is having kids. It being post lunch, most of us were also juggling cranky kids, kids ready for nap and putting kids down for a nap, which of course moved the conversation to kids. The girls got talking about how it would be nice to get a break for a day or two to just be us, the way we used to be before the kids came along. Things snowballed from there to dreaming of a two day girls only trip.

One of the guys suggested why only dream about it? Why not go, it was after all only for a couple of nights? The rest of the guys promptly supported the idea with all of them stating that it was no big deal taking care of their respective kids for 2 nights and days.

This had the guys excited that they could do the same. It would be like being back in college. Just the guys. Excited plans started being made, on where they should go and what all they would do.

Then came arguments against it all. Started with one girl not wanting her husband to go on such a trip and a few more agreed. When asked for reasons why, the answer was, who knows what all the guys would get in to. They would drink like crazy. And oh what if the guys decide to go to a gentlemen’s club?

There was no talking the girls out. And the plan eventually fizzled out. No guys trip and no girls trip. This was almost a year back.

This past weekend the guys got together at night for dinner and poker. Over dinner they started talking about heading to a club instead of playing poker. From where it moved to a few guys saying they would only go if all the guys promised not to tell any of the girls. When questioned why they said, ‘if even one girl knows the whole thing is sure to come out as part of some conversation and then there would be hell to pay for them’. Post lot of talks and leg pulling they went on to drink a glass or two of wine and play poker.

I was floored both the times, because I don’t think in these terms. For me it is a matter of trust. I trust my husband completely. I trust him to conduct himself correctly. I trust him to do the right thing. Even if D was to go to a gentlemen’s club, he knows what he can and cannot do. He knows what would offend me and where to draw a line. And I would like to believe that because I don’t put such stipulations on him is the reason why he comes back and tells me these things. I would like to believe that because I don’t make a big deal about these things is why he does not hide things from me.

Maybe I am wrong but I have a few basic questions for all the girls who don’t like their boyfriends/husbands talking to other women or put a limit to how many drinks they can have on any given day or keep an eagle eye on what they do and where they go – How do you know they are not doing any of what you so think they are capable of when you head to India for your 2 month yearly trip, or when they go out of town on business? When you expect complete and total freedom and don’t like your husband to ask any questions on your whereabouts, why do you not return the same courtesy? When your husband has never given any reason for you to doubt him, why do you doubt him? Oh and if your answer is, because guys will always be guys, why are you even with this guy?

As I said before, for me trust is the key. And I trust D totally and completely. Till he gives me a reason to otherwise, I am going to continue to trust.

Am I completely stoned here? Am I missing something? What do you guys think?

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54 thoughts on “Trust issues

  1. I have seen friends go through this whole trust issue and it always leaves me speechless. I don’t get it…I am with you on this –

    “For me it is a matter of trust. I trust my husband completely. I trust him to conduct himself correctly. I trust him to do the right thing. Even if he was to go to a gentlemen’s club, he knows what he can and cannot do. He knows what would offend me and where to draw a line. And I would like to believe that because I don’t put such stipulations on him is the reason why he comes back and tells me these things. I would like to believe that because I don’t make a big deal about these things is why he does not hide things from me.”

    If I can’t trust my partner to this level, I would not be with the person because it would drive both him and me crazy with all these silly rules and restrictions about what he can/cannot do. When I would expect him to have so much confidence and faith in me to make the right decisions, who am I to confine his freedom? Doesn’t seem fair to me.

  2. oops i wrote a comemnt and then something happened 🙂

    I guess the girls watched the movie hangover 🙂

    I loved the paragraph where you say you trust your husband to make the right decision .. WOW GOOD GIRL 🙂

    It is true we all need some space sometimes, not jsut for fun but jsut to relax and get that stress out .. Moreover going ot a gentlemans club doesnot mean it involves SEX .. nope it doesnot ..

    I and my friends do make plans once in 3 -4 months to go out for a weekend or so .. and this may sound weird but its not always to go to a club or get drunk there are a lot of things that can be done …

    Trust is very important in every relation

    1. Oh I don’t even for a minute think that the guys would think of club as the first thing to do. And then I don’t even think there is anything wrong with guys going to a club.

  3. Comfy, you’re asking these questions at the wrong place. In the blogosphere, I can tell you every girl, or at least most girls will come and tell you how much they trust their partners, how they are exactly the way you are, how they believe it is the right way. etc. I just know it.

    1. You are right!! I dont think anybody would come out and say I dont trust my spouse in the blogosphere…

      But I have seen this happening in our group…I dont know if it is a trust issue or not but making a hu haa out of nothing when such talks happens….

      Actually some of these Gentleman’c club are pretty classy..once when we were out of town I accompanied my hubby to one since he wanted to go but did not want to go alone so begged me and took me along:)) I am not complaining ;))

    1. And for most of our relationship (while dating and even after marriage), me and DH have spent time apart (different cities/countries) due to work…
      We still hang out with our respective friends, sometimes together, sometimes alone..

      It doesn’t matter whether we are together or alone…we still know what other person is doing (yeah we talk afterwards about whatever is permitted (barring secrets of friends as to maintain their trust is also important) 🙂 )….

      1. I agree with you but not many people understand that…
        Also it just clicked to me that they might be playing “mommy” as generally it is taught that unnecessary worrying, checking, intruding (to some extent) are part of loving relationship… like saying everytime “don’t drink too much”, “don’t be out till so or so”, “don’t go there” etc..

        To me this is nothing but insecurity and I know for fact that if a person has to cheat or do something of that nature, these checks won’t stop them….

        I may be wrong about others but if DH starts behaving like this I would be very annoyed and same holds true for him… We are adults and would like to be treated that way..

        1. They were the same before they became moms so I don’t think it is the side-effect of becoming one.

          It just might be insecurity or a factor of things they saw growing up. Who knows. But I would hate to be treated like that and so it makes sense for me to not treat my husband like that.

  4. Trust is a very delicate emotion that can be built only over time and experience. I can’t say I was never like this to be honest, but with time and with getting to know my partner, a comfort level came in. And this is true of AB too, it is not just women who have trust issues. Now, we trust each other completely and it forms one of the basic elements of our relationship.

    But the trust issue was when we were teenagers, unradical and implusive and if I may add, immature too.

    Going by what you said, those people are married for so long and having children, and yet they are being unreasonable!

    The problem does reflect the way we are brought up- ‘boys’ are always the wild bull and ‘good girls’ marry them to tame them. It is their duty to keep the husband close, lest he wanders away… At times, one of the ways of keeping the men from wandering is to give him a child…

    Well twisted it is!

    1. In the initial days sure. But I am talking about people with years and years of marriage behind them. Should you not have a very basic understanding about the person you are with?

  5. I am with you Comfy.. I trust M and the most often words I say to our friends when they ask do I restrict him on anything is “he is well aware of his limits” and he does… there is no point in restricting as if they want to do they will do it.. nothing can stop them except their own conscious .. this applies for any human isn’t it?

  6. Comfy – Firstly, so very glad to see you post here, been checking here everyday and feeling ‘anxious’ 😀

    When I read through the 2 incidents you narrated – the same line of thought went through my head too! Why are those girls talking like that about their guys? Where’s the trust? Hope Comfy doesn’t think they were right!

    Thank God you said exactly what ran in my head 🙂

    No offense, but that kind of attitude makes me think they are in immature relationship.

    Barring one or two ( whom rest of us royally ignore), our close knit group of friends are all talking – ” Lets go do a girls night together. The guys get the same chance next weekend!”

    In fact we have successfully done it more than 4-5 times so far. Win-win for both I say.

    [ If the husband returns home past 2 AM on a guys night I do ask what they were up to..if not, I don’t even ask]

    1. We do have a girls night out and a guys night out every couple of months. There is no issue with it mostly because the guys get together for poker (and they never question where the girls are going and what the girls are doing). But every time something other than dinner and poker come up for the guys these issues seem to come up.

      Now if the guys were to question the girls on what they were doing, can you imagine the hue and cry? Double standards and all that.

      I don’t even have to ask D what they were up to. He wakes me up at 2-3 AM at night because he wants to talk about it. 😐

  7. Errrr…you are kidding right..I mean isnt marriage all about trust…RD goes out late nights on weekdays *please note weekdays here* and weekends if his friends come over or something…I go out occasionally with my friends who are all guys!

    And we live together in peace!

    I cant imagine not trusting your partner!

  8. Hey Comfy… I have encountered such kind of people too! I only have two questions to such people –

    1. Isn’t your spouse grown up enough to know about what is right/wrong? Even with our own children, it is only upto a certain stage that we can tell them what to do. Adhering to it or not is their choice, isn’t it?

    2. Isn’t marriage all about trust? Didn’t we all (whatever tradition we come from!) take a vow during our wedding to trust the other half? Now, where does this insecurity crop up from?

    Or may be, like you, I too am missing something here!

  9. I am not saying it just bcoz u asked on the blog and it mite even sound dramatic, but I trust Su more than I trust myself 🙂
    And I think it is totally mutual b/w us 🙂 Recently, I went on a long drive with just two of our common friends [boys] and Su cud nt make it! Even a few in my own family raised brows at what I ws dng 😛 and Su told them he found it very funny that they were thinking and talking so much abt it. We totally trust each other and am sure we cn let each other go anywhere and be least worried abt anything at all.
    Though it’s true that I still miss him hopelessly when he goes out alone 😉 😉

  10. I agree with you comfy – I trust hubby completely and I also know he does come back and tells me everything. I know he knows what is acceptable and what is not. I think any husband/wife who respects the partner will not do anything that would breach the basic trust.

    I have seen this thing mostly in my friends abroad – wonder why?!And that too in couples who have been married for so many years now – I mean I can maybe understand the insecurity in newly married couples but are you yet to trust your partner even after yrs of marriage?

  11. Once Hero and his friends wanted to see what a ‘dance bar’ is like. You know, the cheap, local ones. They wanted to just have an experience about it. Curiosity. I was okay with that, completely ok. Hero’s friends (all single) expected him to not tell me. And they were stunned beyond repair when I did not object!!! I think a couple of them died when I excitedly asked for inside stories.
    And when Hero and I discuss and debate who is the hottest dame in Bollywood, and I show him ‘nice’ pictures to support my case like saying “See, her legs are much better!” the guys around go on saying I am a dream girldfriend!!

    Honestly, I don’t know how to be something else. Hero is mine. No hot chick or alcohol and a dancing dame can change that fact. As simple as that, for me 🙂

    Oh and when I have my night-outs, with friends, guys, some of whom he may not have met, just heard a lot of from me, he only asks me to call him when I get home safe. And when I call, he’d be sleeping! 🙂

    1. You are indeed the dream girlfriend. I am sure that Hero’s friend can’t wait to find someone just like that. 🙂

      I am the one who is sleeping when D comes back with his night out. Then he makes sure he wakes me up and tells me all about it, when all I want to do is go back to sleep. 🙂

  12. Immediately after joining work, I got a CUG connection for AV and his phone bill reaches my home. So every month I would shamelessly open his bill look at the calls made and again shamelessly fight with him like,”You have spoken with this girl for 2 hours and with me only for an hr”.. Before you would hate me, let me also add that, I released what I am doing is wrong when something hit my head and made me to open my bill and see I have spoken for more hours with my friends-guys than him. I just felt I was being possesive but I was possesive because I didn’t trust him na.. Now, I stopped fighting for these silly things when we have much more other things to fight for 🙂

  13. I would like to believe that because I don’t make a big deal about these things is why he does not hide things from me.

    You answered it for me. I rather feel bad ; when A does not have all boys time on regular intervals. Only thing I would insist on is he is still reachable on phone just in case I need him or he needs me.

    1. You are talking about bigger issues Comfy, I have seen many who refuse to send their husbands to an unisex saloon where a woman cuts hair for a man. The response was ” I will rather cut myself !! ” 😛 all this when the same wife does not mind when a man cuts her hair. 😉 😀 😀

  14. I would not be ok with such a trip BECAUSE I WOULD BE INSANELY Jealous of the Tall One holidaying and me not 🙂

    Ok, on a more adult and mature note – Boys will be boys…really??? Adult women actually say that…Comfy you should be glad u aint holidaying with them 🙂

  15. Oh Comfy, so so true! I am completely like you on this. I trust my husband completely and he reciprocates. Business trips, boys nights out and trips with male cousins, we have been through it all and at no point I wondered whether he would do something that would hurt.

    As Smita says, it’s a two way thing. If you keep doubting your partner then it only shows how insecure you are in the relationship and how afraid your spouse must be feeling. Doesn’t look like it is a happy one!

  16. I think I was never a suspecting kinds and nor H though I would have my jealousy meter up a during initial years-to be specific when I was a newbie in our relationship 🙂 but over a period of time,like spending 10 years in each others’ company,one gets to know the other person quiet well…[now some might say that to know someone even entire life is not enough]..but then you know the basics of the person..and we’re talking of a partner here [in my case a wedded partner ,one who lives with me under the same roof for 6 years] so I think once you reach the ‘inside’ person you know how he/she is going to behave in given situations and that decides whether you should trust him/her under those circumstances…I mean you get used to your partner’s good,bad and ugly habits and that brings you to the point where in you know exactly what he/she will do feel or say!

    I think trust comes with the level of understanding between the two which in turn comes with time that you’ve spent together in a relationship…

    if this is established then I think even the ghosts of past can also not begadofy anything 😉

    but having said that even a longest spent relationships can also go for a toss just for this reason alone…but as I said it’s got to do with the habit of not trusting or suspecting all the time…

    okay so what am I saying? I’m saying that as of now there is no reason that I would suspect H on any grounds and going forward I don’t think he’ll give me any of that sorts 🙂 same applies to him as well,I guess 🙂 and the best part between us is we’re each others’ best friends which also eliminated the possibility of hiding anything from each other…I’m not for the reason that we’re married so we MUST tell each other everything but for the very simple reason that we WANT to tell each other everything 🙂

  17. For me, its the question of trust (as you have said).
    I trust K completely and I have no issues with where he goes/how much he drinks because he knows where to draw the line and where I draw the line.
    We don’t suspect each othere. there is no question of being “jealous” of a colleague, friend…
    We trust each other implicitly (touchwood) 🙂

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