When I was carrying you, it was me you depended on for everything. To keep you safe, to provide nourishment, to protect you. All you needed was me. Then you were born and your Nana and Nani along with your Paa were all there to take care of you. I did a lot for you still, but you did not need me exclusively. They were there to hold you when you cried, they rocked you to sleep, they changed your diaper every hour or so. But it was still me you needed for nourishment. And that made me feel special. The first time we gave you solids, I cried silent tears. Who said the process of letting go is easy?
Now we are a point where the only thing that I have left from just when you were born is the massage that I give you before your bath. Every time people hear of it, they are surprised that I am still at it. And there was a time when you wanted to move around so much that I kept promising myself no more. Kept ranting and said not tomorrow. And still I keep at it. Somewhere along the way I made up my mind that the moment that bottle of oil got over your massage stopped. You have grown since, have explored enough to stay still for the 10 mins the massage takes, know the schedule to even like it. Right when that bottle is on its way to getting over.
Suddenly I find myself holding on to every drop. Using a little less oil every day. Trying to make it last a little bit longer. I want to hold on to this last part of your babyhood. Even though you are a toddler, this one final thing I find myself unwilling to let go. I know I can’t go on forever with the massage. I know you don’t really need them anymore. I know it is time for me to stop. But, but, but..
When you grown up and if you happen to read this, know that your Maa is crazy and wants to hang on to you forever. But also remember that she knows when it is time to give up, even if it is kicking and crying. And maybe give her a little bit of extra rope as she works on the letting go process.
Love you sweetheart more than words can ever say,