Last night, you were too tired so you climbed on to my lap, lay down and looked at me with sleep filled, half closed eyes. And all of a sudden I was taken back to the time when you were a few months old. You used to look at me the exact same way, while I would try to get in as much milk in you as I could, so that you could sleep on a full stomach. Right that moment, I felt my heart pinch a little. When had my little baby grown in to a toddler? When did that sleep drenched, intense gaze go away from looking at me to looking elsewhere? When did I get so engrossed in sleep training you, that I forgot to hold you just before your sleep overtook you? And I started remembering little things that you used to do, but don’t anymore.
Like the way you used to be so happy when we used to go for a drive at night. All the lights had you gurgling with excitement. You would not stop turning your head this way and that till exhausted sleep took over. Now night lights are a norm for you. You look but don’t find anything particularly exciting, unless it is a billboard with lights and works.
Like the way driving in the car was like a sleep inducer for you. You could sleep within 10 mins of the car being in motion and you would not even get up for a feed for hours at end. Now car rides are a time for screaming and babbling for you. You look around, point at something or the other, pull your shoes. But sleep is not part of the deal, even if it’s way past your bedtime.
Like the time when you used to lay down in one place, kicking your legs, spinning in circles, licking your toes, batting your hands. But I could walk out for five minutes and come back to find you in the same spot. Now I can’t get up to go somewhere and not have you run there before me. No place is safe. The bathroom, the stairs, the bed. You are all over. Never still.
Like when you used to pull on the lever of some of your toys my mistake and would be pleasantly surprised when the music started playing. Now you know which button to press to play the music. And the said music playing does not have much of an effect. It is mostly just a byproduct of the action you performed. Not of consequence.
Like when I used to make a cradle of my hands and you fit in perfectly, head to toe. Now I can’t even hold you in the cradle of my hand. You come almost up to my head level if I am sitting down on the floor. You want to be picked up and help so that you can look around, that is if you want to be held. Else you want to be running around on your own.
I am not saying that I am upset that you are growing up, but once in a while something gets to me and then I yearn for those small things of days past. I wish I could get some of those moments mixed with the current going ons. I know I am being an emotional fool, but Maa has that prerogative, sweetheart. Maa is and can be and is totally excused from being a total fool about you. Maa is allowed to walk down memory lane and feel nostalgic at how quickly you are growing up and what all you are leaving behind. Just don’t grow so much, for anytime soon, that you are no more Maamaa’s little girl. Stay happy, stay healthy, stay you always.
Loads of Love,