Baby steps

Dear Buzz,

Today is a big day, humongous..and I can’t seem to help but smile every time I think about it.

When we started sending you to daycare, you cried, the tears would not stop till you fell asleep from exhaustion. You stopped eating. You stood at the door, looking out, all day long. You clung to me and would not let me leave your line of sight even for a minute for the fear I would leave again. You would not even go to your Paa. Your grandparents leaving did not help any. And I felt so guilty. Every single day, I asked myself what I was doing going to work. Every single day, I told D, I was handing in my resignation. Every single day I cried when you were not there to see. Your Paa held on to me, sometimes with hugs, sometimes with humor, sometimes with anger, sometimes with sheer will. He made me go on one day at a time.

But you, you my little one, you went through hell. Falling sick over and over again. The never-ending cold, the ever returning fever, the ear infection. The ever busy you, now need constant reassurance. Even as you play, you run back ever so often to be held, to sit in my lap, to bury your face in my neck. And I hold on to you tight, every opportunity you give me, for as long as you let me.

We slowly saw changes in you. You started playing at daycare, started eating a little bit too. Your afternoon naps got a little longer. Some of the heaviness in my heart started to lift as well. Everyday when I went to pick you up, the reports that I received got a little better. One of your teachers (who are amazing amazing) once told me, you impromptu went up to her and giggled and ran away, and I could not but help smiling, because that is so you. The little happy bee, who loves to play and shows everyone that she is happy by laughing out loud. And that you were getting to your natural self at daycare gave me hope.

You still cry when we drop you off. You don’t like that one bit, but for most parts are happy there. You have made friends. You do these little art, where most of the color lands in your mouth rather than on the paper. You always pick a black purse, from the collection that they have, when you are upset because that reminds you of mine. You have your little area marked where you love to play. You can climb the little stairs in the room and can come down on your own..and no you don’t crawl up and down on your hands and knees..you actually take steps up and down like big people do. You have learned to eat on your own, so what if the spoon falls on the floor, hands will do just fine. You, I am told, even fall asleep for your nap without anyone patting you (Why can’t you do that at home?..err sorry this is not the post for that). And I, your crazy Maa, smiles at all these little things. Horde every little information send my way. Sometimes the tears come, but for most parts the smile stays in place.

And today, sweetheart, you did not cry during drop off. You scrunched your nose, made a face, but did not cry..not even once. You were not happy, but you did not cry. Today I can’t help but do a little jig. Today I feel like my breath comes a little easier. Today a little of my worry dissipates. I know, this might not be the case tomorrow. I am realistic to know that this is a slow process, with regression many. But today, you handed me a small ray of hope. And so today I am going to hold on to it with all I have.

Loads of Love,
-Maa

PS: This is not to say that the guilt goes anywhere or that I don’t question the decisions I am making. Don’t think that will go away anytime soon.

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81 thoughts on “Baby steps

  1. sweet sweet post, Comfy…as you say, the day will come when she’ll wave a happy bye…she will get there, that little angel…she just needs time 🙂

    and here’s hugs for you! treasure today and keep hoping for the same to happen tomorrow…I’m sure Buzz’s one smile will help tons. 🙂 Many many hugs!

    And oh, if you need a baby sitter, drop her off here..I don’t mind at all 😀 And I’m sure she will like it too 😉

    1. T, not too far is a time where she will say ‘Why are you here? I want to play’ when I go pick her up. Happened to a friend of mine and she is still in shock 😀

      PS: Your baby sitter services are too expensive..God the flight tickets itself will break the bank 😛 😛

  2. Your post just took me some 8 yrs back and I had a feeling as if my sister is expressing her feelings when she use to leave her son in the daycare while going for her job…
    That strong will of resigning,that guilt ,that heavy heart…
    and those relieving breaths of yours..I could really connect to each word of yours..
    ** you won’t believe that tears just rolled down my cheeks while reading it**

    Hugs n Hugs to Little Buzzy and her Mumma…

    1. Geeta, these feelings of guilt are universal. I have seen so many of my friends go through the same. And having seen them and their kids do a lot better over time is one of the things that kept me going.

      Thanks for the hugs..much appreciated..

  3. Sorry I just got emotional …Anyways the best part is slowly and steadily she is understanding and cooperating with her Mumma ,started giving smiles and yes a ray of hope that everything is fine and will be fine in future too…

  4. There, there.. Thanks for making me cry. I read through each line imagining her doing whatever you had written. I grinned when I reached the place where she went up to her teacher and giggled. It reminded me of the other day she was all laughs and giggles for **ME** when I got to see her on skype(Divz and Titaxy, are you reading this? 😛 ) And then, when I reached the last para, I cried 😦 No no, I’m not PMSing or pregnant.

    But Comfy, what else did you expect from this girl? Her Akka moved to a place two oceans away when she was 18, all on her own. So you just wait and see what this little one has in store for you 😀

    Muah!

    1. You guys were there to get me through the worst of it.. you were the ones who kept me hanging in there..with your constant checking up on her and me..with your encouraging words..

      So thank you all three of you..

      PS: Revs..if I start telling everyone why she was laughing *at* you..you will get another blog post right here in the comments section 😛 😛 ..are you sure you want that?? 👿 😀 😀

        1. I’m such a good sport girls(aka shameless). So go ahead and tell her Comfy. I love laughing at myself 😀

          1. OK..but please note I asked you first..

            It is nothing big Nu.. I was talking to Revs and she as usual was having technical difficulties with her microphone so we could not hear her..

            Buzz could not stop laughing at someone who was moving their lips but not a sound coming out..Revs was her first experience with Mime.. 😀

            1. MIME !! hahaha…No wonder…hahaha..see it got me laughing too even on reading ! ..thanks to Revs actually…she gives us a lot of stuff to laugh and enjoy 🙂 YAY

  5. you know Comfy,I read it twice..I felt like rushing away and pick her up in my arms and kiss her 🙂 Your posts are so well written that one can actually what has happened…Yours words have that power…and As it is evident I’m totally smitten by little angel…It makes me very emotional about anything and everything about her ! Muuuuaaaah to my little darling 🙂

    Questions being raised in your heart regarding you going to work..can understand totally ! Of course it’s a personal choice but I right now at this stage-where I have no kid-think that I’ll call it quits once I have my little one..but the moment then would define my decision…so yes if D is there with on this…please hold yourself..go ahead and things will soon fall in place,I’m pretty sure ! With the kind of parents you are 🙂 Buzz is going to learn very soon to not cry and wave you with all smiles…I sure need your parenting tips ! 🙂

    Why don’t you start a blog on the same or write a book and share with all of us here 🙂

    1. Gosh Nu..I don’t have it in me to write books.

      Yes the decision for me to work is ours..D and mine..and we have reasons behind it. But that does not make it any easy. Actually I know it not easy either side of the fence..while I struggle with going to work..I have friends who struggle with having quite their job and staying home..

      1. okay don’t think that you are writing a BOOK..just think that you are writing about Buzz and your experiences..and sharing with us best friends of yours 🙂 it will do you good then 🙂

        Oh well that’s totally right..the other side is not so rosy as well…staying at home full time-when you have worked earlier in your life-is difficult ! VERY !

        1. Yup staying at home is not easy..and once you have kids and you quite it is more like a lifelong decision not a short couple of year break. Which is what gets to people in the end.

  6. She’d probably sleep on her own without being patted off by her maa too, but it’ll be kind of hard for maa dearest to accept that! 😛 Gosh, this is such a cute post! 🙂

  7. Lovely words Comfy.. Buzz is going to be so proud of her mamma when she gets big enough to read and understand this piece u wrote for her.

    In many ways I connect to this post. The bit where you say you wondered, why you were going to work, the bit where you say u wanted to hand over ur resignation every single day.. all of it. I understand what you must have felt. Motherhood (parenthood for that matter) is laced with guilt every single step of the way, its like second nature, but a lot of times (in my opinion) we sort of underestimate our kids, they are a lot more tougher and resilient than we make them out to be. Buzz is going to do just fine, of course its heartbreaking to watch her get sick often, but u guys will do just fine..

    *goes away wiping tears, that just do not stop*- and no like another commentor mentions, Im not PMS-ing neither are my hormones going on an overdrive.

    1. I so agree with you AJCL.. Kids are more resilient and so much tougher than we give them credit. They forget things after a while also helps, I think..were as we remember and wallow in guilt..

  8. Awww comfy hugs to u! shucks man – this guilt of working /not working is not restricted only to the first few months – is it? it’s gonna be life long??

    and awwww to the bit where we she keeps coming back to u for re-assurance..it must be tough for u to let go…Mayb she’s just training u for the time she’s gonna say…Moommm dont drop me to school…i’ll walk 😀

  9. Aww Buzz .. u r such a darling and feel so more n more each day that I get to know something more abt u 🙂

    Buzz’s ma, I just hope u wil bless me with Buzz’s darshan someday .. pretty pls 🙂 U so want me to go hv a baby soon 😉 😉

    Hugs to u Comfy …. I am nt a Mom yet but I so know what u must be gng thru. Even after sis and me r settled in life, Mom still keeps thinking abt times when she hd to balance work n home n keep herself informed that the decisions she hs taken are in the best interests of everyone 🙂

    U rock Buzz!

  10. wow..very nicely written..i could see everything in front of my eyes..you dropping buzz, she crying,she laughing,your dilemma..you are an amazing narrator i must say 🙂

  11. you know nam, the nicest thing about your blog is the honesty with which you pen things down.

    It is so very easy to exaggerate the cute things babies do, especially when they are your own. But you don’t, and i love that about your writing and you.

    Buzz is a lucky child.

  12. OMG! That was beautiful Comfy..the way you said it all.

    I am dreading going to work in sometime…in spite of parents being home to be with paapu. Cannot imagine leaving her at daycare somewhere down the line.

    Sigh! The guilts and the pains mommy-hood brings.

  13. Oh Comfy!! Am not a mother yet, but my heart cries and pains to see a child when dropped at a day care center…especially looking at their eyes…who just dont want to be away from their mum’s comfort & secured zone
    😦

    And I surely know…. can understand how tough it must be all those mums who have to depart frm their children at that point in time…

    Kudos to all mums and the strong kiddos too 🙂

    1. The only way I got through it Dew was knowing that I was not alone..a lot of people go through this and after a while the children are actually more happy to go to daycare than stay at home..

  14. Nam..wow that must be such a beautiful feeling..ohh i know..i got my niece and i know how my sister in law feels everytime she is dropped off at the daycare..i guess your little baby will learn a lot soon..cross my fingers and of course enjoy the day with light breathing 🙂

  15. Dreading the time my E would go to daycare :(… my E touchwood is a VERY friendly baby and Im hoping he wont cry and would be happy to be around kids.. but then u never know with kids, they are so unpredicatable

    1. I hope that is so Whiny.. Buzz for most part is a very friendly baby too..but it was this new environment without anyone she knows around that made her cry.. but every kid is different..so here’s hoping E does a lot better..

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