Today is a big day, humongous..and I can’t seem to help but smile every time I think about it.
When we started sending you to daycare, you cried, the tears would not stop till you fell asleep from exhaustion. You stopped eating. You stood at the door, looking out, all day long. You clung to me and would not let me leave your line of sight even for a minute for the fear I would leave again. You would not even go to your Paa. Your grandparents leaving did not help any. And I felt so guilty. Every single day, I asked myself what I was doing going to work. Every single day, I told D, I was handing in my resignation. Every single day I cried when you were not there to see. Your Paa held on to me, sometimes with hugs, sometimes with humor, sometimes with anger, sometimes with sheer will. He made me go on one day at a time.
But you, you my little one, you went through hell. Falling sick over and over again. The never-ending cold, the ever returning fever, the ear infection. The ever busy you, now need constant reassurance. Even as you play, you run back ever so often to be held, to sit in my lap, to bury your face in my neck. And I hold on to you tight, every opportunity you give me, for as long as you let me.
We slowly saw changes in you. You started playing at daycare, started eating a little bit too. Your afternoon naps got a little longer. Some of the heaviness in my heart started to lift as well. Everyday when I went to pick you up, the reports that I received got a little better. One of your teachers (who are amazing amazing) once told me, you impromptu went up to her and giggled and ran away, and I could not but help smiling, because that is so you. The little happy bee, who loves to play and shows everyone that she is happy by laughing out loud. And that you were getting to your natural self at daycare gave me hope.
You still cry when we drop you off. You don’t like that one bit, but for most parts are happy there. You have made friends. You do these little art, where most of the color lands in your mouth rather than on the paper. You always pick a black purse, from the collection that they have, when you are upset because that reminds you of mine. You have your little area marked where you love to play. You can climb the little stairs in the room and can come down on your own..and no you don’t crawl up and down on your hands and knees..you actually take steps up and down like big people do. You have learned to eat on your own, so what if the spoon falls on the floor, hands will do just fine. You, I am told, even fall asleep for your nap without anyone patting you (Why can’t you do that at home?..err sorry this is not the post for that). And I, your crazy Maa, smiles at all these little things. Horde every little information send my way. Sometimes the tears come, but for most parts the smile stays in place.
And today, sweetheart, you did not cry during drop off. You scrunched your nose, made a face, but did not cry..not even once. You were not happy, but you did not cry. Today I can’t help but do a little jig. Today I feel like my breath comes a little easier. Today a little of my worry dissipates. I know, this might not be the case tomorrow. I am realistic to know that this is a slow process, with regression many. But today, you handed me a small ray of hope. And so today I am going to hold on to it with all I have.
Loads of Love,
PS: This is not to say that the guilt goes anywhere or that I don’t question the decisions I am making. Don’t think that will go away anytime soon.