Dil sambhal jaa jara

Dear Bugz,

As I look on you sleep peacefully, I think back to the time before you were born. Back then I used to think that having done it once I knew it all. There would be very little that I would not know how to handle. Well they do say every baby is different do they not? And how can there not be a challenge involved when there is a little human being in question? But I do wish the struggle and pain was solely for me and you would sail through. I am not saying it is easy for me. It is not. My shoulders, my neck, my back all hurt as I constantly hold you while trying to make you comfortable. I get excited if I so much as get 4-5 hours of sleep a day. But that you are not comfortable is what breaks my heart.

You got diagnosed with baby acid reflux when you were a couple of weeks old. It all started with me realizing that you would just toss and mourn after you were fed even after you had burped. You would keep gulping as if to keep things down and in the end you would spit up big time. Now Buzz never spit up, not once. I never understood the big deal about burp cloths and bibs till I had you. Going by the same yardstick I did not know what was normal and when to start getting worried. Was I being a paranoid parent or was there really an issue? Well Mom and paranoia go hand in hand and I am glad I followed through on my instinct. Visits to your pediatrician’s office, checkups, a few spit ups while we were there (one on Dr. H’s shoulder helped as well) and you were put on medication.

I find it ironical that while I had you inside I would not ingest any kind of medication if I could avoid it because it might harm you in some unknown way and now I religiously give you yours twice a day. Every single time I put those few drops in your mouth, I send out a prayer that there are no long term repercussions. I pray that by the time we hit the six month mark you are over this just as they tell me most babies do. I know I worry endlessly but as your Maa that is my job and so I try and do it well.

You seem more relaxed since we started the medication and I do the entire holding you upright for at least 30 mins after every feed day or night. We also got a wedge made for you, which honestly looks like a torture device. But all of these things combined seem to be helping you. You still spit up a lot but don’t look as uncomfortable. You don’t sleep for more than 40 or so minutes at a time and need to be held a lot but those are my cross to bear and I won’t complain about them. Till you get your rest and are happy we are good.

And you are happy are you not sweetheart? You smile your smile when we least expect. You kick and play when you are comfortable. You look so peaceful when I change your diaper as if a load has been taken off you. You love your bath time even though you are still iffy about the whole massage thing. You follow us around with your eyes. You grunt and make your annoyance knows when your didi troubles you by grabbing your foot or playing with your cap (while it is on your head) or stops your swing to give you a hug. You are gaining weight and growing in height. I watch you like a hawk and all these signs help calm me down.

You also seem to know me. You calm down instantly when I pick you up. You give me the puppy eye and pouty lip treatment when you want something and then cry out loud when your demands are not met. As I soothe you, you soothe me in your own special way. Buzz held me together, making me go on and you have helped me start my healing process. I was so scared of loving again, of tying myself with strings of bonds again. You entered my hurting heart without even trying and showed me that loving someone actually heals the wounds. That opening your heart wide rather than closing it off is the right way forward.

Now as I watch you sleep one of your rare peaceful sleeps knowing well that the clock is ticking and you will be up in minutes let me send out a wish that both of us heal and get better soon. After which, as I always say, stay happy, stay healthy. Always!

Loads of love,
-Maa